~66~

9 2 0

by its_petrichor

by its_petrichor

I thought I wouldn't write an angry rant about this afternoon

but then I fell asleep for two and a half hours and woke up even angrier than I was before

everything that happened is human
it is so undeniably human and inevitable that it makes me sick
because in that matter I can't possibly blame anyone

and I meant it what I said as we backed out of our country house's driveway
that I was thankful that you both dragged me out of the house this weekend
that I had a surprisingly good time away from home for a change

but as soon as I turned off the shower back home
I heard the yelling and shouting
I couldn't even step out or dry off for that matter
all I could think was
how it was so unfair
that I was the one balled up on the shower bed
naked
shaking
out of breath
wheezing
grasping the empty air with my hands and shoving it down my throat to stay alive

because that is how it feels, dad
if you've perhaps ever wondered what it's like
to have an attack

and I completely stand by my selfish words when I say
I'm not sure if I can live in the same house with someone
who brings this side out of me

you told me to unlock the door
you kept complaining in a raised voice about your wife
called her names
all the while my hands were still shaking
and I could barely stand up
you didn't even so much as bring me a glass of water

I pressed my fingers to my ears
told you I couldn't listen to this right now
you walked away

you walked away, dad
and now you won't even meet my eyes
like I hurt you
not the other way around

and it's just

it makes me so angry
not to mention the disappointment
when I look at you
as though I've let you down so many times
at least we have that in common