it was only a month ago when my high school friend moved away without so much as a goodbye
it was only a couple of days ago when I broke down in my room and couldn't stop crying for hours about how my best friend has never and will never fight for me the way I need her to
friendships
impossible as it may be to believe
is the most complicated form of human interaction there is
I wouldn't be lying if I said my best friend was the first to break my heart
because there is this one specific characteristic about being someone's friend
you never expect to be fucked over
to be cheated on
to be broken up with
but what you also do not expect is being dismissed
ignored
uncared for
you don't expect to be looked over when you cry at dinner in front of the one person who was supposed to care
my best friend and I
we never hug
we never say I love you
we never show any kind of affection whatsoever
though we have matching tattoos to remind us that one cannot be without the other
we never talk about things that matter
she never asks me why I do not want to be alive anymore or how I'm doing with self-harm
she wouldn't read my book
but when I am with her
I feel the most alive
I hate going places without her
I hate when I can't see her
and when we're just existing in the same room
and suddenly she says the dumbest shit I've ever heard
and we're laughing hysterically like there's no tomorrow
perhaps it is because of these moments that it hurts so bad when I'm alone in my room
unable to stop the tears for the notion that she will not get over her pride for me
she will not knock on my door when I need her to the most
am I a good friend to her
well
I guess the answer hides in the fact that nothing makes me more fulfilled than seeing her happy
I may buy her expensive things when I can and I may come into her room at random times of the day just to make her smile
and I don't expect her to do the same for me
not because I don't want her to but because of the recent realisation that her selfishness is stronger than her love and need for me
why do I call her my best friend?
I don't know
I just always have
since the very first day of my life
she was mine and I was hers
two little chubby toddlers against the world
I think it is insanely beautiful
how we learned to love each other at such a young age that it cannot be reversed
ever
and maybe all the painful shit that comes with it is worth it
and maybe none of us really knows what we're doing
and maybe that's okay
because when you love someone
you love them for who they are
not for who they are not
