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by its_petrichor

by its_petrichor

a letter to me

lennie these are things you have always wanted for yourself
you think that without the lists and the time-frames and the priority schemes you're going to fall apart
but Lennie you haven't even tried

and what if it isn't true?
what if
and here's a crazy idea
you're okay without them?

you say you can't stand the way you are
that you hate your body
okay fine
but please do not say that you don't love yourself because that's not true len
it's a lie

because we both know there's no price high enough that you'd trade you for

remember the day you held your art school diploma in your hands
or the one year anniversary of being clean from self-harm
the day you finished your first book
and how you cried

and lennie these are just a few specks in time when you have felt so proud of yourself that you decided
yeah I'm never giving this girl up

and there have been so many more

remember how you were losing your hair for the third time
the day you asked your dad to shave your head
and how you showed up to the early shift at the lab the next day and smiled
to everyone
with a broken spirit and a bleeding heart
you were kind
you still loved

and after all this time
you still do

forgive me lennie
please forgive me
you need to forgive me

I know you need time
but I have given you so much
I've given you years
entire years of this degrading pathetic self-loathing grievance
and we have both had enough
enough len
that's enough

this is not the kind of melancholia
the kind of suffering that will give you the name of the writer that you want to be
you can't resent yourself into being a good writer
I swear there's not an ounce of that success that will make you proud of yourself

because lennie you deserve so much more than that

A couple of days ago you wrote
I just want them to be happy
at any cost

and let me tell you something important
them is you
because here's the thing
just because you love other people more than you love yourself doesn't mean that you deserve happiness less than they do

so be happy len
at any cost