infinite shades of blue (journal part I)

~133~

I've thought about this from time to time during the last seven months
never long enough to write it down
not long enough to admit it

seven months
what do these last seven months have that the previous 18 years of my life didn't
was it the people?
was it me?

I've said it before
I always thought leaving would be the hardest thing
that I wouldn't survive it
but I did
and here's the problem

I hate how easily I got over leaving my whole life behind
I hate that I don't call my hometown home anymore
I hate that I don't feel like visiting more often than once a month
I hate that I'm okay with not seeing my family and friends
I hate that I don't miss them

even more so
I hate that for the life of me
I cannot recognise what is so great about this life that made it so easy for me to forget my promise to never call another place home

I never liked this city
it always terrified me
the thought of finding my way out here
making a life for myself
I never thought it would be here
but it is
that is how it turned out
and I like the way it turned out
and I can't seem to forgive myself for that

I feel guilty for being okay out here
I feel sad thinking about all the people I left behind
I feel like a fucking coward for saying I don't miss them when in reality there is not a day when I do not