what scares me is that I don't miss them
at least not in the way I thought I would
it scares me that I feel a hundred times better and more happy alone than I ever did at home
years before leaving I always thought moving away would be so heart-breaking that I wouldn't know how to get back up
but then in July
the last one before going
I couldn't breathe anymore
couldn't look at him
couldn't hug him and mean it
and I guess that was the point where all the wounds were torn open once again and my hard work at trying to forgive him was thrown away because the realisation hit me like a god damn truck on the highway
that I will never be happy with these people
that I need to go
and I did
and it shocked me and hurt me all at once to see how little I cared in the end
and now I'm telling my roommates about my dad making a joke that the next time I come home will be on Christmas and how ridiculous that sounds
internally terrified that he might be right
because I don't want to go home
and since I've been alone I've noticed how little I've had to make myself do something I don't deem as necessary
one of those things being visiting my family
because I don't want to have to cry on my way out the door
I don't want to have to catch the early bus out of town for not having the capabilities to withstand the absolute misery those people cause me
I don't know what it is
it's just this haunting feeling I get
it's the fighting against the system
it's the never-ending bickering
it's realising how much better I've been since I left
I know this sounds awfully selfish
and how could I right?
but I deserve it
I deserve being fucking selfish and put myself first for the first fucking time in my life
I've listened to my father's non-stop fighting with his girlfriends for years while he tells me how vital it is for me and my illness to think positive thoughts and live in harmony
I have always always stayed quiet
you think I don't listen to what you're saying
that I don't care
dad I wish I didn't listen to all the shit you pour over my head
I wish I didn't care
but then
you've never noticed how I never talk when you lecture me
how every word you've ever said has stabbed me to the point where I can't talk
I can't utter a word
I wish I could show you how much that hurt
I wish I was brave enough to sit you down and tell you all of the fucking things I've restrained myself from saying all these years
Martha always says I should
I wish I could see your face then
I wonder if maybe then you would get quiet and stay that way forever because you'll have realised that you've done quite enough
I swear I have tried to forgive you
but then I call you to tell you about the decision I made regarding my writing
utterly proud of myself for having done it
and you put down my entire existence in a matter of seconds
I had to call mom
had to cry breathlessly in the phone and tell her
please mom I don't ever want to see him again
I don't want to go home
how do I pay rent that is due in three days?
I won't accept a cent from him
had to make her call you and put you in your place
I was eighteen
I still haven't forgotten you know
I don't think I ever will
because that day you showed a side of yourself that
trust me
you'd wish I never saw if you were in my place
this side was even worse than the one who started talking about the starving kids in Africa after I admitted I didn't want to be alive anymore
this side was worse than the one who hasn't asked me
not once
about the scars
it was somehow even worse than the one who never told me I would've had a brother
all this pain
it builds up you know
and there have been days when I've wished I could just have a laugh with you like we always did
and interact with you that one specific way we do when Martha isn't around 'cause we both know she wouldn't get it
but then I always remember that one time
after the phone call
how it'd been an hour since and I was still lying on the bed
balling my eyes out
having clutched my chest with both of my hands
unable to believe and accept how my own father could do this to me
and now
every time I look at you
I hear those words
I could never forget them
you want to have everything without having to fight for it
I dare you to say it to my face
I fucking dare you
