infinite shades of blue (journal part I)

~154~

cried a little at dinner table again
wanted to call dad
but didn't
it was late

I was just thinking about what I would tell him if he picked up
that I haven't been well
that I miss him
that I miss just sitting down with him and talking about anything and everything
that I don't want him to think that I don't need him anymore because I do

I need my dad to tell me that I'm going to be okay
I need him to hug me
I need to sit in the same room with him for longer than ten minutes
I need this pain to stop

I hate remembering things
good things too
because remembering means reminiscing about something that is no longer true
I hate having all these dreams
all these flashbacks
moments filled with life

they make me feel like I'm running out of time