infinite shades of blue (journal part I)

~156~

I haven't allowed myself to run away from things for a while now
ever since I came here I've been truly here
I've been showing up and I've been pushing through every single problem situation I used to avoid back when I was younger
and I've been willing these circumstances to change me
in any way
in a good way
in a way that counts for something

which doesn't mean I haven't been running away from other vital aspects of my reality

to be awfully fair
I've been running away from my illness my whole life
whenever I get close and personal with it
I eventually retreat
for reasons disclosed to me
for reasons not disclosed at all
reasons simply too complicated to put into words
a coward
that's what I am
because while I've endured my diagnosis for ten years now
I can't say I've done my best in trying to appeal to it
in a sense that I do not touch it
I do not go near it
I do not interact with it
I simply coexist

the answer is yes
you do get used to it
over time
but also over dead bodies
I got used to it over the dead bodies of the million versions of the person I could have been
had I not been ill
because my illness
it doesn't go unnoticed
it uses up resources
it feeds off my sanity
my mind
my personality
my lifeline
it knocks the wind out of me sometimes
and oftentimes it turns me into someone I hate
someone I know I'm not

but it also makes me strong
the roots of my strength run far deeper than I could ever reach