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by its_petrichor

by its_petrichor

to say I don't think about you every day would be a lie

is that stupid? is that the dumbest thing you've ever heard?

I feel like a fool when it comes to this
I feel like if I was to say it out loud people would laugh at me
I know my step-mother would
she would make this pain seem incompetent on the grand scheme of the world

what would be the worst part is that she'd be right
what does my pain matter when there are kids in Africa who are starving?

let me tell you something extremely selfish going-to-hell how-does-she-dare worthy
I don't care about the kids in Africa
I don't think about the kids in Africa when I run my hand through my hair and half of it stays in my palm
I don't think about the kids in Africa when I'm stuffing my gut full to the brim with shit I know I should puke out
I don't think about the kids in Africa when I'm slicing my wrist open with a razor blade

I am sorry
but I don't think about the kids in Africa at all
I think about dying
have been for years

and perhaps this is the moment where I draw the line between things I should and shouldn't say out loud

I shouldn't say I miss my non-existent brother out loud because everyone would laugh at me
the same pretentious people who act as though they care about the poor African kids but in reality cannot admit to themselves that they really do not
none of us do
because otherwise we'd never cry
we'd never complain

and how fucking ironic is that?

in this house there are people who make me feel bad about having a bad day expecting an explanation from me a reason for being sad
and why can't I just have a shitty ass day? why do I need to explain myself for being human? and why for Christ's sake can't they just acknowledge the fact that never in my life have I ever demanded an explanation from them for being shitty to me? why can't they recognize this simple truth and let it go?

I don't need anyone to psychoanalyze me
I don't need them to hide digs behind questions
won't it be too hot in those jeans? won't you go for a run? won't you work two months in summer instead of just one?

no
the answer is no
my jeans are just fine for they hide my insecurities unlike you who bring them out
no I don't feel inspired to exercise because most of the time I can barely scrape up enough inspiration to live
and no I don't want to work two months instead of one because for some people it takes an unbelievable amount of effort to show up places which is a concept you will never get

how is that for an answer Martha?

I've written you letters of how much I confide in you and let's not forget the fact that you moved into my home and took my mother's place in a matter of days
I've told you to your face that I love you which I've only ever said to two other people and I cannot fucking believe the audacity you have for making me small in my own home

this wasn't supposed to be a rant of self-pity
I just wanted to write about how I can't tell anyone how much I miss my brother whose life was taken before he could enter this world and it turned out I can't say a lot of things
and that a lot of things which are mine have been taken from me because they are irrelevant to the pain of a starving African kid

it can't be that the African kids are the only people in the world who are suffering
it can't be that the rest of us are just a bunch of fools who can't get their shit together because it is love at whose feet we all suffer

we all suffer from the same disease