infinite shades of blue (journal part I)

~32~

I never talk about You
I don't write about You

I swore to myself I wouldn't after those 28 entries I made about You in my journal that I accidentally lost

yet here I am

my friends and I sometimes talk about how sad it is that it's Your last year and how we'll miss everyone from Your class
even the annoying smartass who thinks he's better than everyone else

all the while I'm thinking to myself I hope You go to college somewhere far away from here so that I don't have to look at You every day

it was maybe a month into the lockdown when I was pretending to listen to my geography teacher talk about the sea levels on zoom when it hit me
I might never see You again

and then I tried to remember the last time I saw You
and then I got mad at myself because I couldn't remember

I always hated it when our eyes met as You passed me in the hallway
it reminded me of how I could never have You
and I've never been able to ignore the way Your gaze sets me on fire in the most destructive of ways

I'll never forget the time when we were 10
and our families had come together to celebrate the summer holiday just like every year
and us kids had squeezed together on a large swing
and You were telling us horror stories about the wolves that wandered around that same forest nearby
and I didn't yet know how badly I'd fall for You that sometimes I'd cry in the middle of the day
out of nowhere

I stopped coming to the summer holidays and the new year's
I stopped coming to the gatherings and picnics at your house

I couldn't look at You anymore
I couldn't be in the same room with You without my heart jumping out of my chest

and I hate how I can't get You out of my head
I hate how you've turned from my childhood best friend to someone I want to forget

please don't return my hello
don't even look at me
don't answer when I wish You happy birthday

please just let me let You go