I need to write about you Martha
I need to write about you because there is so much to say
and I wouldn't dream of these things to be left unsaid
I am going to start with the day I first met you
dad and I
we went to pick you up from your home
and as you were approaching the car
I knew
I don't know what
I just knew
and after dad had hugged you
so did I
and I want you to know that up until that moment
I had never hugged a stranger first
let's fast forward to the day you moved in
there are going to be no filters when I say that
as you were putting your things away in the shelves we had freed for you
in my room by my desk I was crying
I was crying not because I didn't want you there or because I didn't like you
but because I was a depressed anxious 14-year-old kid who'd been working on her graduation project for far too long and knew that now
when there'd be someone else around making all these changes and taking apart the daily life I'd grown so used to
I'd have no room to be what I needed to be in order to finish once and for all the thing that constantly made me feel like I was dying
I'd have no safe space left
nothing to hold on to when I'm going under
and there wasn't a moment when that had been your fault
I repeat
it was not your fault
because had I had the courage to sit you both down and tell you that it wasn't a good time
that maybe you could wait a couple of months until I figure it out
it would've gone differently
and yes
maybe a little less painful and expensive
but in no world would I turn back time and have that conversation with you
because you are too dear to me to take that chance
it was Christmas 2020 when it all changed for me
dad and I had been isolating in our apartment for two weeks because of the thing I do not want to call by its name
and you were away at your mom's
and the moment I stepped out of the car and saw you standing there for the first time in so long
was the moment I realised how much I had missed you
everything that you are and everything you do
and I told you
I want you to come home
and I meant it more than I was ready to admit to myself
because you see
over the years you've brought so much change into our home
so much life and happiness without whom I couldn't call my home home ever again
you have redefined that word and everything it stands for
and while doing so
I have grown to love you
truly love you
the way I love my dad and my mom and my best friend
you are up there with them
you have been for a long time
but the reason why you will be on my mind even on my very last day on this earth
even if all of this goes to south
is because you were the first person ever to call me a writer
and I could try to put into words how much that means to me
but I won't because it simply isn't possible
just know
I will never forget it
and I will work my ass off day and night to become the best writer I could possibly be
just so one day I could tell the whole world what exactly that feeling was and everything that it stood for
