infinite shades of blue (journal part I)

~80~

dad thinks I've given up
maybe it's high time I admitted to myself that I have

I used to deny it
told myself it was just that I couldn't afford to hope for the best to find myself later completely and utterly fucked over again
you never know with an illness

but isn't that called giving up? what is it that I'm doing here exactly?

I hate to call it for what it is
the scary D word
I hate to be down here again
it's lonely

I am so lonely