infinite shades of blue (journal part I)

~100~

it's something that came to my mind today while I was in the shower
but most of all we owe to ourselves for all the times we've done us wrong

yeah and then something my dad had once said before I left
you need to take care of yourself because no one else is going to do it for you

I don't know
maybe it's just the fear that if I don't do something
if I don't make this huge ass change
it will get harder and harder by day for me to fall in love with myself

lately I've noticed how far away I have sailed from this goal that has been there my whole life
it is a fight
a raging battle that never seizes

you know once I'd come rather close to ending this war
I'd quit cutting
I'd quit smoking for a considerable amount of time
I'd found somewhat of a balance between normal and binge-eating
I'd finally integrated such a sore spot as exercising into my daily life without having to experience post-traumatic stress
I'd come this close to loving myself

and then I found out I would've had a brother
I would have
but I don't

and somehow I found myself devoting all the inner strength I had moved towards all the noble goals mentioned above to mourning a loss that wasn't even mine
at least it makes sense that it wasn't mine
it's logical to think that I had nothing to do with it
I was three

but then again
it was me who stole a cigarette from my grandpa and sneaked into the woods to smoke after six months of abstinence just because I couldn't contain the anger and the resentment and the pain and all the fucking love
all this love I have for my brother and never had for myself