infinite shades of blue (journal part I)

~117~

a letter to me

show up for yourself
take care of yourself
feed the good wolf
do better

do
better
lennie

be that person you've always dreamt of having beside you
stop being mad at your father for saying things you don't agree with
stop blaming your mother for leaving
stop waiting for someone to come and save you

because guess what
nobody's coming
the only person you have is you
it has always been you

lennie you need to stop worrying about how much you weigh
and start counting how many meals you've skipped this week
you need to stop hurting yourself
because the fact that you don't turn to blades anymore
doesn't mean you're clean

you've been brutally abusing yourself with all of these nasty thoughts
knowing fairly well where this is going
if you are going to complain about being depressed
first make sure that you are doing your best

and you're not lennie
it's been a long time since you've done your best and I'm not talking about working out or studying
I'm talking about accepting yourself the way you are

you know these things len
you know them well
you are perfectly aware that before you start shaping yourself into the person you wish to be
in a healthy way might I add
you've got to fall in love with yourself first
you can't abuse yourself into being someone else

you can't hate yourself into loving yourself

it sounds fucked up but it's the truth and you know it
you will never like what you see in the mirror
no matter how thin
unless you just stop for a second
and admit to yourself that you are not fat
that you don't have to prove anything to anyone
and that you have always been enough

admit it
right this second
accept it
deal with it
let it sink in
and then
only then do you start shaping yourself into someone new