infinite shades of blue (journal part I)

~124~

I keep catching you in between your ski-track making sessions
and we have these five-minute long conversations about the most urgent matters
never really getting any deeper
and when I see you once a month on the weekend
I barely see you at all
because you're either not home
or you're organising a country-wide skiing tournament

and dad
I want you to know that it's okay
I need you to believe me
because I see you
I see how happy you are
I see how your eyes sparkle with life
and nothing is more important to me than seeing you live the life you've always dreamt of

and yes of course I miss you
of course my eyes well up when I hug you goodbye for only having looked at you from afar the whole day
barely having gotten a word in
but dad I am letting you go
I'm letting you go live your life

you don't need to worry about me
you don't need to wonder if you've hurt my feelings
or haven't said the words I wanted you to say
you don't need to hold yourself back for me

because you have been there for me my whole life
let's not analyse the details of how you did or did not do it
you were there for me
while my mother was not
and for that I owe you the world
I owe you to be happy for you
even if that means I'll miss you forever

and I will dad
I will always miss you
but it will be okay
because for the life of me
I will never forget that proud smile you had on your face today as you were awarding the contestants of the competition you had made with your bare hands