infinite shades of blue (journal part I)

~26~

I hate that I hate you

when I'm alone in my room on the 2nd book this month it's easy to forget how I really am

I like to tell myself I don't hate anyone
I don't despise anyone
I simply coexist

but when you're across the room
and I can feel the liquor and cigarettes in the air
all I can think about is how I hate you more than myself

and that's saying something

I don't want to hate you
and I don't always
I promise

it's different things
I hate you for drinking
I hate you for being oblivious
and sometimes I hate you for giving birth to me

you will never know though
you ask my best friend what's wrong with me after I tell you on the phone I want to die

and you're over there
away from me
in that miniature apartment of yours
watching shitty soap opera

and I'm here
in a city I begged you not to leave
with everything I could possibly wish for
except a mother