infinite shades of blue (journal part I)

~5~

you wouldn't understand if I told you that I had one of the roughest and most devastating episodes while you were at work this afternoon
you wouldn't understand if I told you that I have to keep my hands under burning hot water to keep myself from all the blades that I keep in my drawer
you would never understand how hard it is to fight back

and can you even imagine how many times I couldn't?

you never asked me about those lines on my wrists
you never listened when I told you I didn't want to be alive anymore

I thought I could forgive you

but sometimes you still say things to me
and then you leave out the door
and you leave me with myself
my biggest enemy
the biggest meanest monster there is

and I can't tell you not to leave me alone
because I don't want you to stay