infinite shades of blue (journal part I)

~148~

I made a terrible mistake in eighth grade
can you imagine?
the worst mistake I have made in my life of nineteen and a half years happened when I was fourteen

what so terrible an eighth-grader could've done? you might think

I told my friend to die

this is the first time I've been able to put it down
because it is so awful and so disgusting
and I've been ashamed ever since

for the longest time
I couldn't look at you
and I'm sure the feeling was mutual
maybe you still can't
and if that's the case
it's okay
you don't owe me a thing

but because of what I said to you that one afternoon six years ago
I will never again be able to claim that I am a good person
I have no right
and we could dwell on how it would've been if I hadn't said those words
and yeah
maybe we would've still been close friends to this day
but there is no point in speculating because I know I hurt you terribly
I know I broke your heart
your spirit
and the friendship we had with the help of a couple of words

I am sorry
you know this
I have apologised many times over
and I will continue to do so as long as it takes
and I don't expect you to forgive me
and I don't expect you to be my friend
but the fact that you are
means the world to me

I want you to know that every time your name pops up on my screen
it is about the only thing that assures me that there is good in this world
the fact that I am worthy of knowing about your day after everything I put you through gives me hope
hugging your mother on my way out of your 18th birthday party gives me hope
being invited to such event gives me hope
sitting across from you at the café where we spent most of our birthdays and name days after so many years gives me hope

you give me hope
your strength
your capacity to forgive gives me hope

I will always regret making that mistake
perhaps it being my only regret
and I will always be sorry

I will always be sorry to the girl I met by the river the summer before first grade