infinite shades of blue (journal part I)

~171~

I don't see myself growing old
I never have
I don't know why

maybe that's the line I should start with when I pull up to therapy again
maybe that's my big problem
that I've spent my whole life convinced I won't make it past twenty

I don't remember how it started
I don't remember when I decided that living wasn't really my thing
but it happened a long time ago
and for a long time
I've kept it a secret
because you don't just say these things
you don't say
today was fine
I wanna die tho

and if you do say it
you'll never gonna get away with it
you're not always gonna find the right people to trust this with
and you're gonna get hurt

I don't know
I just never really could answer the questions
dad once said
tell me everything
and I replied
I can't
I don't know how

and then that's it
you go on
you never talk about it again

I'm scared of big words like depressed and suicidal
because who am I to give myself a diagnosis
all I know is that sometimes
when it's a lovely sunny summer evening
I find myself crying while doing the dishes
I think about dying in-between work spreadsheets
my heart beats three times faster when my roommate accidentally slams the door

and I could almost be fine with that if someone told me I didn't have to pretend like these things aren't true