~93~

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by its_petrichor

by its_petrichor

I need to stop you know
I need to just stop

I need to stop smoking
I need to stop eating shit food
I need to stop feeling sorry for myself

I need to stop assuming I won't live past 20

sometimes I ask myself
what the fuck are you doing?
why can't you just get it together?

I can
on some days
on some days
it seems like the easiest thing in the world
and I've mastered the act of emanating this perception when I'm around my people
it really is fake it till you make it

but the other days
you know
all the rest days of my life
they are somehow bland and lifeless
on those days
I do shit because I have to
I wake up
I make coffee
I study
I work out
I study some more
because if I don't do these things
I think about my non-existent hair
I think about mom leaving me
I think about dad stealing my ability to love myself
I think about hurting myself
I think about my dead brother

I think about my brother every day

I guess
the real question is
is this what you call balance in life?

because there are good days
I swear there are
and even more so
there are bad days
and what I've noticed throughout my short life of 19 years is that
people don't like it when you have a bad day
people have a hard time to accept that another person
besides themselves
can in fact have a bad day

there always must be an explanation
there must be a reason why she isn't smiling today
I must find out what is going on inside her head

but the thing about depression is that
it's always the same thing
you don't wake up and decide
okay today I'm gonna be sad about this or that depression is a set of emotion
it is every single thing that makes you miserable put into one
and it stays the same
every day

I never could quite give an answer to my dad

what is going on?

I don't know
I can't talk about it