infinite shades of blue (journal part I)

~181~

I took the two-hour bus ride to come look out the window from the apartment I grew up in for the last time
and right as I put my backpack on the hallway bench
like I had done hundreds of times having returned from school
I cried

I didn't want to come
but I also knew if I didn't
I'd never forgive myself

I didn't want to come because I wasn't sure whether the coldness I felt towards this place was really just that
growing up and growing out
or maybe there was something so much more underneath it
something that I haven't allowed myself to feel ever since the day I left

the yellow veil and scaffolding outside the living room window is a symbolic reminder that life goes on
no matter if you want it to or not