infinite shades of blue (journal part I)

~155~

I did call dad today after I scooped some lunch from the kitchen and almost started crying because my relationship with my best friend is a fucking joke
we talked for 24 minutes about nothing and everything while my food got cold
and I didn't care because it was a good phone call
I needed it more than other things I claim I desperately need

it had been so long since hanging up without a lump in my throat
without the feeling that something crucially important is slipping out of my hands and there was nothing I could do about it

it wasn't like that today
today I told him I'm thinking about restarting therapy when I get a second job in August
and he told me not to hesitate to ask him for help if I need it
that I never have to leave him as the absolute last resort

mom
she does her best
but mom is mom
can't rely on her for the life of me

I understand now that it's not about the first month after you move away
it's not even about the second or third
it's about when almost a year has passed
and you start noticing that the things you always tried to run away from are the same things that are mercilessly difficult to live without

people
their faces
their habits
the way they say things
the way they exist in a room
so annoyingly
so consistently
they exhaust you
but they accustom you
they own you

maybe more time needs to pass
maybe it doesn't
maybe I just need to do better
whatever that stands for