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by its_petrichor

by its_petrichor

to the boy I grew up with

I sometimes wonder if you remember
do you remember?

I know you do
you must

and knowing that you do somehow makes it so much worse

yeah it definitely wasn't something I had expected and it's not something I've cried over
(until today)
but it did
being around you today hurt
it was unbearable

don't ever ask me to explain it because I can't
all I know is that once
you were the closest thing to a brother I've ever had
and that before you walked out of the lab today to leave for college abroad
you said goodbye to your other friend who you met sometime after we grew up
but not to me

you didn't say goodbye to me before you left
I was standing right there
and you could've
but you didn't
for old time's sake
if not anything else

please
I beg of you
don't ever mistake it for jealousy
please
because it's not
I know jealousy
jealousy was when I found out the guy I've loved my whole life had a girlfriend
jealousy is almost funny in a way
but this
this was not funny

this was more like ouch
more like how the fuck did we come to this?

we've drifted so far apart
the four of us
that it almost feels like an illusion
like it never even happened
like we were never those kids

tell me
were we ever those kids?
because remembering it makes it seem too good to be true
and if we were those kids in those memories and if it was just that good
then why did we let this happen?
why don't we talk anymore?
why won't you look at me?
was it all really worth so little?

I refuse to accept that
I'm sorry
but I refuse to act like we didn't grow up together
like you weren't my best friend
and I wasn't yours

because there was once a time when the two of us would sneak into the back of your grandma's couch and stick a pair of scissors in a socket
and yeah we could've died
but we didn't know it then
and we did all kinds of bullshit just for the sake of it
without the slightest idea of the outcome
but this is the first thing I think of when it comes to my childhood
it just is

it might be that you're in every spectacular memory I have of when we were kids
or maybe I just miss us too much
but as long as I hear about you from other people and watch you thrive with other friends
it will never not hurt
as simple as that

you know I've watched the same happen to Emily and Gus
and even thinking about it rips my heart out of my chest
I remember two years ago in our annual competition they were inseparable
they stuck together throughout the whole day
and I could hear their laughter from across the field
and then this year they didn't even talk
and all I keep thinking about is how in five years
they're gonna wake up one day and it's going to hurt
and it will never stop
and they're gonna have to live with that
knowing that they let it happen

just like me
like you

except while you rose up into the skies and made a friend out of everyone you met along the way
I never had anyone to replace you
I never tried
because I didn't dare to think it was possible
and because up until that moment when I woke up one day after five years
I didn't know I was supposed to