infinite shades of blue (journal part I)

~77~

today I smoked a cigarette

my fingers reek of tobacco again
just like the first time that one summer night four years ago

I have nothing to say to that
except that I was sitting downstairs eating lunch with my family of alcoholics and I was slowly going insane and it was nothing like the sensation I get before a panic attack
it was somehow worse

and the whole time I thought of you
the whole time I sat there and then as I smoked

I craved for it to be my excuse for letting myself down so badly
and hoped in absolute terror I would be able to forgive myself for this

I don't know if I could
I don't know

I know only a few things
one of them is that as the nicotine soaked my lungs I felt how it set blazing fire to already burning yearning for you

it made me sick the cigarette
not so much physically as emotionally
I could scream and cry and I so badly wanted to but I couldn't because I had no words for describing the way I miss you