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by its_petrichor

by its_petrichor

I weighed myself today
and for the first time in a very long time I was fine with what I saw
I didn't get frustrated
I didn't skip a meal
I was fine

but then as I was stuffing my face with instant mashed potatoes
I realised I haven't had a cooked meal in weeks
which means I can only like myself when I'm starving myself
I can only feel good about myself when my jeans are getting loose

and I wish that wasn't true
more than anything I wish it wasn't true
because I know I'm not fat
I have finally learned to accept that
I can look at myself in the mirror and admit that I am not fat
that there are no extra pounds to lose
that I could if I wanted to
but I didn't have to

but this is the skinny me talking
the me who hasn't had a proper meal in way too long
this me doesn't know what she's doing
she is a fool
she's trying to trick herself into believing that she's doing the right thing
but she knows she's not

there is no good resolution to this
not today
not now
not yet