infinite shades of blue (journal part I)

~27~

this morning you asked me on the phone if I'd come by for mother's day

I don't feel proud to admit that I almost I laughed in your face
almost

I thought how ironic is that
it was only last week when you could barely slur a full sentence or stand up for that matter

it was only last week when you woke up the next day and acted like nothing had happened
for the thousandth fucking time
you stabbed me over and over until I had bled out

and then
after I hung up this morning
you did something you shouldn't have done

you sent me money

you sent me money mom
you tried to buy me
just like you always do

you give me money
so much money
as if it would ever be enough to fill your absence
as if I could buy myself back those tears I've cried for you
as if I could buy myself new skin to reverse the lines on my left arm that I've made because of you

you don't get to call me once a week
and drink all your senses away when I visit on the weekends
and send me money
and expect me to be fine

I'll never be fine
you should know that by now

you should know that I don't believe you would ever change for me
you should know that dad is the one who raised me
you should know that if my best friend wasn't living at the country side where all the family gathers on the weekends I wouldn't even bother to go so that I don't have to look at you

you should know that the resentment I feel for you is much stronger than that small amount of love I have left for you