infinite shades of blue (journal part I)

~163~

it's so much easier to tell you that I can't go on a trip with you because I have other things planned that week
and that my other job starts at the end of July
than to tell you I simply do not want to go

I don't want to go with you
and it'll be so difficult to admit that to your face
because an explanation will always be required
and you'll try to convince me the best way you can
but it will not change my decision

because the truth is
I am not well
not well enough

I am not well enough to leave my room for more than three days
let alone weeks
not well enough to deal with my illness on the road
abroad
not well enough to share a room with someone for two weeks
not well enough to push my physical limits
climbing up endless mountains
not well enough to listen to you argue
not well enough to handle a panic attack
just not well enough

not well at all

I am sick
you have to understand
and I don't mean physically
I mean a sickness with years of roots inside my very core

I mean sick as in I can't sleep
can't be around people
but can't be alone
can't say it out loud when something's causing me pain
can't eat
can't be in silence
can't leave the city
can't leave my books
my writing
can't move
yeah
sometimes I can't move
can't
won't

and I'm done pretending like this isn't true
like this wasn't a big part of who I've become in my solitary suffering
and it doesn't mean it's not my fault
it simply means that I cannot ignore that these feelings are very real
and I am dealing with them the best way I can

though I am dealing with them alone
and sometimes I get really far
and other times I get nowhere
but most times
I will not want to do things I should want to do
and part of my journey to learn to love and respect myself is to stop saying yes out of fear of hurting other people's feelings