infinite shades of blue (journal part I)

~178~

I wish someone could explain to me why I lied when Mom asked me
what did your Dad get you for your birthday?

maybe it was the weight of turning 20
or maybe it was the TV Mom got me that I didn't ask for
or maybe it was the fact that my godmother forgot or that two of my favourite family members did too

I have never truly cared about things like this
yet I lied
told her he gave me an envelope
and she started guessing the sum
naming unrealistic amounts of money merely because she's always thought he doesn't give me enough
completely gliding over the fact that he raised me while she hauled ass

I always defend you, dad
naturally
I think I've always been on your side without even realising

mom asks
why would you pay your own phone bill?
and I tell her
dad is building a house, mom
she says
so what?
that has nothing to do with you
you're still his daughter
and I've got nothing to say to that
because telling her I can and I want to out of the goodness of my heart wouldn't change the fact that she is right

you're selling my childhood home
you're building a house for your wife and keeping lands for your golden retriever

I work my ass off at uni to stay in budget so that you wouldn't have to worry about the tuition fee
I work my ass off at my job to be able to afford a life
because you raised me that way
and because God knows I can't rely on my mother
and because I don't want to

you pay my rent

there is a balance
and yet
you have no idea how easy I've made it for you
the only time I ever asked you to give me money for this one dress I really liked was when I was graduating middle school

I don't know where I was going with this
I wish I could afford to pay you back