infinite shades of blue (journal part I)

~92~

I'm not quite sure how to describe this phase other than weird

the shelves where my things used to be are still empty

I wonder when are they going to start filling them up again
and would that mean I'd have faded so much from their lives that they wouldn't remember my presence anymore?

I'm sitting on the couch by the window
I used to never sit here
I'm not sure where I'm supposed to sit
I notice how much I'd missed the ticking of the clock in the living room

the scents
I don't recognise them anymore
they're foreign
the scent of home is gone

martha warned me of this once
that after you leave
you don't have a place to call home anymore
because the new place might be okay but there's always something missing
and when you do come home on the weekend
well
she said it's different

I didn't believe her when she was telling me this
partly because I didn't want it to be true
after all
I'd spent countless nights crying about not wanting to leave this place

though when the time came
I didn't cry at all
but that's besides the point
the point is
martha was right
she was right all along

I do not have a home anymore