infinite shades of blue (journal part I)

~90~

I was sitting in my first class this morning terrified
everything the professor was saying seemed so scary and moving my chair was scary and even breathing terrified me to no end

I am beginning to see how appealing it is to drop out
to give in to the sickness
to give up
I can see why half the people I know haven't won this fight and why I should never
and I mean never
judge them for it
because in this class
english for academic studies
I was quietly and shamefully considering taking out my papers
on the third day of college

which essentially means that I'm in for a good one
I'm in for at least 10 times more trouble than 2017 and for the time-being
while my head is still above the water
I have to learn to accept it and deal with it

these next three years are going to be nothing like I imagined them to be
every day is going to be terrifying on another level
it is going to be hard
incredibly hard
it is going to kill my spirit many times over and I will write the most heartbreaking
the most tragic paragraphs about it that I've ever written in my entire writing career of 8 years
I will re-read them from time to time and while doing so I will cry
loudly
maybe I'll cry every night
maybe I'll get so depressed I have to go on pills

but I will get that degree
in spite of everything
I will get it
in spite of never believing in myself
in spite of telling myself that after 2017 I'm capable of nothing
in spite of being sick
I will get it
and it will be for myself

I will get this degree even if I know I'll never earn millions with it
I will never be able to afford a home with the salary in this field
not in this country

I will get it because there is only one thing on this planet I need more than air
writing