BURN (Wattys2015?)

sundays

"Sunday morning rain is falling..."
--maroon 5

the railing was rusty
but the railing was strong
I was not rusty
but I was not strong
I could see the river below
beckoning me
it flowed
it crashed
it rushed
beckoning me
there was what seemed an endless
amount of space
between me and the river
I could feel the wind
gently tug me
back from the edge
but it also pushed me
and I swayed to music
that was all in my head
it was summer
it is summer
yet the wind was so cold
and I was so cold
inside and out
and the water looked so warm
it asked me to come along
for a little swim
that would last for forever
I shivered
in that hated mickey mouse tshirt
a chill creeping up my back
I held a cigarette in one hand
and a bottle of vodka in the other
I took a puff
I took a swig
and prepared myself
to jump
to soar
to fly
behind me 'Benny' laughed
it climbed up beside me
and told me to go ahead
it would jump too
we'd jump together
as lovers
as friends
and die together
as lovers
as friends
but Benny,
you're not my friend
you're not my lover
let me jump alone
other voices whispered
shouted and screamed
cruel things
kind things
but the gentle wind
that couldn't decide if I lived
or died
carried the voices away
I let go of my cigarette
watched it fall
and be swallowed up by the river
I let go of my vodka
watched it fall
and be swallowed up by the river
I felt rain bite at my face
and I lifted my hands up
I was a bird
I was an eagle
my feathers ready to come in
at the criss cross cuts
lining up on my wrists
I was tired
I wanted to be free
I was ready
I looked up at the heavens
and thought,
is there a heaven?
I screamed up at God
why me, why them,
why this, why now
why?
but I heard nothing
I felt nothing
I felt everything
and I didn't want to feel anymore
but
something in me
or in God
held me back
and I jumped
down from the edge
not into the river
but back on the bridge
I didn't
take a swim
like I had wanted to
so I guess
I got my answer