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Chapter 90 Marching and breakdowns

Katie and Kim managed to convince my mum, alought it didn't take much, to stay for dinner. All three of them cooked a lovely meal and we all sat in the dining room and ate. Me and mum exchanged a few words now and then but I wasn't in a talking mood. I didn't eat much of my dinner I pushed it around my plate. Smith noticed that I was uncomfortable and would every now and then squeeze my thigh to knock me out of my daydream.

Around half eight mum left and I decided to sneak away from the film that we were all watching and started tidying up. 'You want a hand?' Ross asked with his hands in his pockets leaning on the door frame like he does. 'Knock yourself out.' I said unenthusiastically. there was a period of long awkward silence before Ross shattered it. 'Your mum is a lovely person. Your dad didn't deserve either of you.' I turned to face him, 'my dad was a good man.' I said defensively. 'Woah, ok sorry. I thought you knew nothing about him.' he said raising his hands, 'Come with me.' I said grabbing his hand and marching him upstairs. I didn't notice Kim in the hallway.

We stormed into mine and Smith's room and I picked up the picture of my dad with his whisky and the postcard that he had sent my mum. 'This is my dad, he was in the navy and was killed whilst he was off the coast of some place looking into an extremist group. Look at this he even picked out my name.' I handed Ross the postcard and picture. 'He never got to see me but he loved me so much.' I said backing up until my back hit the wall, I slid down slowly until I was sat down. I clenched my hands into fists and pressed them against my forehead and sobbed. 'Bloody hell Abbey. Come on everything's alright.' Ross said sitting next to me. 'I can't do this Ross it's too much.' I started rocking back and forth and he put an arm around me. 'i want things to be back to normal. It's all my fault, I should have never gone to his stupid house.' I said angry but now crying more. 'All of the lies in the world,everything I was told is better than this.' I think I was worrying Ross by this point so the knock on the door couldn't have come at a better time. Kim poked her head around the door and asked what was going on. 'Go and get Smith please, hurry.' Ross asked with a sense of urgency.

Within seconds Smith burst into the room, I will be honest things are a little hazy beyond this point. I was still rocking and shaking just repeating the same phrase over and over. 'I can't do this.' Smith knelt down infront of me. 'What did you say?' Smith asked Ross, 'I didn't say anything, she showed me the stuff about her dad and then this happened. I could barely hear what anyone was saying, all I could hear was my uncle's voice calling me weak and useless and my own deranged mumbles. 'Abbey, Abbey listen to me. Abbey come on I know you can hear me.' Smith tried to break through but I just repeated over and over the same phrase.' What can you do?' Smith asked, he asked several times before I managed to concoct an answer. 'I can't live with this anymore.' I mumbled, Smith inhaled deeply and shuffled closer. 'What do you mean?' he asked his voice sounding wobbly. 'I don't want to do this anymore. He was right, he was always right I am useless and weak.' I carried on. 'Abbey, you're scaring us. Stop now please. YOu can get through this.' He tried to calm me down. 'No, no I can't. look at me.' I said shouting now more than anything. 'I am looking at you honey, come on stop scaring us now. Let's calm down now yeah? we can deal with this.' But it was no use I couldn't stop. 'How do you calm her down normally?' Ross asked Smith. 'What?' Smith asked confused with where Ross was going with this. 'When she wakes up screaming? or when she is worried, what do you do?' Ross asked with urgency. Smith looked back at me and started humming, it started quietly and then got louder. I looked him in the eye and my sobbing slowly stopped and my breathing was more controlled.

Smith stopped humming and I was now just shaking slightly and my eyes stung from cryin. 'There we go. You alright now honey?' he asked, Kim and Ross looked at us slightly amazed at how Smith managed to calm me as quick as he did. 'Abbey? You alright?' Smith asked again and I launched myself at him wrapping my arms around him. 'I am sorry for all of this Abbey. I am. I should have known this would been too much.' Smith uttered in my ear as we hugged. 'Let's just try to figure this out.' He said and I nodded. 'Let's hold off meetings and visits with your mum until you have things in your head the way you want them.' Smith suggested, I thought momentarily before agreeing to the plan. 'You alright with this?' I asked and Smith smiled at me, he brushed my hair behind my ear and used the cuff of his hoodie to wipe the last standing tear off my cheek, 'if that's what you want Abbey, that's what we will do.'