After Forever & Ever

Chapter 1

Hardin 2014

Leaving the hearing I guess I wanted a different outcome. To make this a no brainer. To make it so the only choice I have is to leave.

I was never good enough. I messed up her perfect little life.

And coming here was supposed to make me better. But I am leaving worse than I started.

I'm not blaming anyone but me. I fucked up. I am the fuck up. And when I arrive back at the apartment I realize my only choice is to walk away.

Her life can be what it should have been before I broke it.

She can live this life and pretend I was never in it and I'll do the same.

I sit down at the table and I just start writing. Mostly goodbye. Some we'll see where life brings us. I told her to call me in two weeks and see if there is any chance she forgives me then and we see where we are at....

See where I'm at.  Because if I'm being honest I don't know. I don't know what I am supposed to do. I should be able to have a normal fucking life. And that isn't the case. It's never been the fucking case.

It's one thing after another. And I feel done and if I am being honest I am done feeling.

After I finish the letter I shove it into my pocket I'm still not sure if I want her to even have it. I start throwing my shit into boxes. Most of my stuff I am going to store at Ken's and have him ship it to me.

As cruel as it sounds there needs to be zero trace of me. I want her to forget. Forget I ever existed. At least in this moment that's what I want.

Do I want her to hurt...no. I want her to feel relieved. Feel like she dodged a fucking bullet. Her life can begin again if I'm gone.

As i am taking my last bag out. I stand in the doorway. I think to myself I should fight for this...for her.

But instead that feeling quickly goes away. I realized I forgot something and it was the bottle of jack sitting on the counter. I grab it and take a huge swig. See where my fucking heads at. I turned it off. My ability to care, to feel...it's off.

I shut the apartment door for the last time and head to my car with my bag and the bottle of Jack still in hand.

Drinking while driving again not my best move. But I stop at Vance's to hand him the letter.

I knock on the door. Kim answers.
"Hey where's Vance?" I say as she opens the door.

"He's out back" she responds as she motions for me to come in.

"Alright thanks. Do you have anything to drink I'm parched?" I tell her.

"I can bring you water" she says.

"Cool throw some vodka in it." I reply.

She gives me a death stare.

I go out to the back porch. Vance is on his laptop at the patio table.

"Hey Vance." I say.

"Are you drunk?" He asks.

"I'm trying to be." I reply.

"I heard you didn't get kicked out, congrats!" Vance says sarcastically.

"Yea it's great.....I'm dropping out though. Oh...and I am moving back to London...today." I tell him.

"That's what you want?" He asks me.

"No or I don't know. I just need some time." I reply.

"Just stay for right now your obviously being impulsive." He says.

Hmm impulsive that's a good way to describe me. I'm not mad at it. It's true. I am.

"Can you give this to Tessa in two weeks in time for things to settle down for both of us." I tell him as I place the note into his hand.

"Does she know you're leaving?" He asks.

"No, and I want to be gone before she does." I reply.

"You have done a lot of fucked up shit Hardin but this is up there." Vance says.

"I know....look I gotta go just give that to her." I say as I walk out.

"Hardin wait! let me give you a ride you have been drinking!" Vance yells after me.

"Too late" I say as I slam the car door.

I continue to drink as I head to Kens to drop my shit off oh and my car, fuck how am I going to get to the airport.

I have to talk to Landon anyways to convince him to tell Tessa I got kicked out of school. Maybe he will drive me. That will probably take a lot of convincing as well.

Actually maybe me not he will probably be happy to be rid of me.

Hopefully Ken isn't there. I'm not trying to get in a fight before I go.

When I arrive. I grab a box and throw it into my old room. I make a few trips and get it all in. I walk over to Landon's room.

He is on his computer. I knock at the opening of the door.

"What are you doing here?" He quickly asks.

"Nice to see you too." I reply.

"What do you want?" He asks

"Umm...2 things.....let me back up I'm leaving. Moving back to London." I tell him.

"You just got the okay to come back to school..." he says confused.

"Yea that's one of the things I need you to tell Tessa...tell her I got kicked out." I respond.

"Why would I do that?" He questions.

"Because you know she is better off without me." I reply.

"You know you being gone is going to crush her, right?" He asks me.

"Just be there for her, okay." I reply.

"What else? You said 2 things?" He asks.

"Drive me to the airport." I pretty much demand.

I can tell he doesn't want to. But he agrees. We don't say much on the ride. He's upset I didn't at least tell her but also understands if I did I probably wouldn't leave. I also tried drinking more on the way and he was not on board for that.

But I'll just grab a drink or several before the flight I have an hour.

In a surprising turn Landon gives me a hug as I am getting my bag out. "Good luck man" he tells me.

After I get through security I grab a whiskey at the bar. I have a split second of doubt.

Maybe it doesn't all have to be bad. I changed before why can't I do it again. For her. For us.

As I am having those thoughts calls starts flooding in from Tessa. I am just letting it ring.

She is definitely at the apartment.

Next I receive a text. "What is going on? Where are you and why is all of your stuff gone?"

Just respond to her you fucking coward is what I tell myself.

But I don't.

Instead I took my phone and placed it into the cup of water the bartender gave me.

"Uhhh sir, your phone?" The bartender questions.

"Yea I don't really like water.." I reply.

He looks very confused and just walks away to his next customer.

As I'm boarding the plane. Every memory of us floods back all at once and I'd be lying if I said the pain came through. But I also knew this was my only option.

To let her go...