Insomnia (A TsukiKage FF) ✔

46 - Anti-catharsis

Kageyama woke up at 11AM and simply lay in bed as the minutes dragged on, waiting to get enough energy to get up. This time he took it slow, not getting up to quickly nor getting ahead of himself. Instead, he lay against the headboard first before slowly standing up, washing and changing into a t-shirt and shorts. 

After he was more awake, he looked at his phone and saw the texts from the group chat. He hadn't been responding to texts nor replying to the group chat. Calls he avoided completely. He saw messages from all of the team- checking in on him and telling he he was missed. God! What did they think? That he was dead or something? On the inside and slowly getting there physically too but damn, give him a break.

He sighed and shut his phone off completely. Deciding to head downstairs for a change of scenery, he sat down on the sofa and turned on the TV. Immediately what came up was one of those reality shows that his mother loved so much, projecting herself onto the young adults with their dramatic lives and romances. No, he didn't want to watch that.

He switched the source and one of his volleyball recordings came on. He watched as the teams played against each other, using precise attacks and strong defence. But the more he watched the more useless he felt. Useless and angry. 

Why wasn't he in the gym and practising? Why wasn't he working with his teammates and shouting at Hinata and spending time doing what he loved? Why couldn't his mind and body work together and pull it together? Why did he feel so... so pointless. 

He hadn't been to school, and didn't want to practise. He couldn't care less about eating or drinking and switched between sleeping and not sleeping so much it seemed like his own body hated him. Well, at least that was one thing in sync with his mind.

He switched the TV off and curled up on the couch, defenceless against the creeping intrusive thoughts that crawled their way into his mind. He absentmindedly fidgeted with the wristband on his arm, pulling at it until it fell off. Small tears fell down his face as he hid his head in his knees, trying to stifle his sobs. He couldn't do this anymore, he was sick of feeling, doing, being nothing.

He just wanted to feel something. 

At that moment, there was nothing on his mind other than the desperate, almost animalistic, need to feel something. Anything. To do something that had a consequence. The moments he had with Tsuki- where he felt loved and safe and warm and protected- were gone, and all that was left was a cold and empty heart ruined by his toxic parents, traumatic past and crumbling self-worth.

He stood up and looked around the room, clenching and unclenching his fists, stray tears still falling. He headed into the kitchen and opened a few drawers but not finding anything. He went upstairs and into the bathroom, heading to the cabinet and opening the door. 

Letting out a shaky breath, he saw a pack of razors his father often used to shave. He took the packet and opened it, taking out one of the slim pieces of metal. His hand shook but he looked down at the razor, crumbling into a messed-up heap on the ground...