The Sweet Husband

Borrowing is easy, returning? Not so much

My poor, poor sweet husband has had a really rough morning. When you hold the ownership of being the most anal human being in the universe, it is a real testament to how much he loves me that he has managed to stay married to a Wooten for 37 years.

When you use something that belongs to Randy, you must, when you return it, put it back exactly like it was when you borrowed it. Almost is not good enough, it must be pointed in the same direction, laying on the same side, or he will take note, and he will mention it to you.

Wootens kind of figure if they got it back to the same street address they did well, and if it's not at the street address but  in the same town, then it was really returned, so you don't have a whole lot to bitch about.

Yesterday I borrowed both his knife and his clippers at two different times. Normally, this cannot happen, you must return the first thing before you borrow the 2nd thing. But he was in the bathroom, so to hear his side of the story, I borrowed his knife, I stole his clippers.

Anyway, when I returned the knife, I put it in the wrong place, and still open,  on purpose, and he almost stroked out. He told me, I think you do that on purpose, I asked him why on earth he would think such a thing, and that conversation went on for half hour or so. I forgot to mention that a knife is also one of his superstitions, and if you open a knife, you must close it, someone else cannot close it for you.

Then the saga of the disappearing stolen clippers began. He noticed they were gone, asked me if I took them, I confessed to having done so, he asked me to put them back and they were gone. Now, another thing about Wootens, we will look for something, but unless it involves food or money, then that looking is at best sporadic, and at worst, non existant for hours at a time. If it isn't found within the first search or two, then it's gone and you will buy another one the next time you need clippers.

Apparently, Wilhites expect non-stop diligent searching until by damn it is found. When I sat down the first time, he said, you found my clippers? My reply, did I put them back? I should have known by the look on his face that was not a good reply. He bends over, puts his face in his hands, and says, I hate it when people get my stuff and don't put it back. Did I mention that Wootens also don't know when to shut up? Soooo, I say, it's not like you need oxygen and I took the only tank you had left! Get over it, I will get you some clippers in the morning when I go to the store.

Get over it is evidently not a good thing to say when you take someones clippers without their permission, then lose them, and refuse to even look for them. Who knew?

Anyway, once he recovered from the fit he had about the injustice of being married to a woman that doesn't take anything seriously was over, I finallly got him to shut up enough that I could go to sleep, and when I woke up this morning, I found the damn clippers sitting right in plain sight where I left them. I even tried really, really hard and succeeded in not throwing them at his sweet old butt.