Andy Biersack imagines

41. Depression (Andley) (Hella Fluff)

—Andy's POV—

Empty. Lonely. Alone. Worthless. Messy. Depressed. Anxious. Suicidal. Down. Sad. Hurt. Broken. Lost.

These words aren't even enough to explain how I feel right now. I haven't been this bad in a really long time, and I'm so fucking low right now. Nothing happened, but all my old demons and monsters that haunted my mind are back again. And they're stronger than before.

I'm sitting in the living room of Ashley and I's house and we're currently cuddling on the couch watching a movie. His arms are wrapped around me and I'm laying on his chest. Part of me wants to tell Ash how I feel so he can help me like he did before, but the other part of me doesn't want to worry him with my problems.

"You know he'll never love you for real. You'll never be enough for him"

Oh yeah, and the voices are back as well. They won't shut up and they keep telling me bad things. I don't want to believe them, but I can't help it.

"You should believe us. You know we're right"

SHUT UP!! I just want all this to end! I don't want to live like this anymore!! I thought I was over this. I thought I had finally beaten it and that I could be happy. But I guess happiness is only temporary. Or maybe it doesn't exists. Maybe it's a figment of my imagination to cover up the pain and sadness in me.

"Happiness does exist. You just don't deserve it. Just kill yourself already if you don't want to live like this. It's not like anyone would care anyways."

Maybe the voices are right. Maybe I should just end this. Ashley can always find someone else. I'm nothing special. That's it. I'm doing this. I'm sorry.

I pull away from Ash on the couch and stand up.

"Andy where are you going?" Ashley asks as I start walking out of the room.

"I just have to use the bathroom. I'll be back in a sec" I say, trying to hide the pain and sadness in my voice. Thankfully Ash believed it.

"Oh okay. Hurry back I wanna cuddle!!" he says in a childish voice as he turns back to the TV.

I walk into the bathroom and lock the door shut. I start looking around the room and in all the cabinets for anything that I can use to get this over with.

As I'm looking the all the cabinets, I make the mistake of looking in the mirror. What I see isn't me. My eyes are a dull gray color, my skin is paler than usual, and I pretty much look like a walking zombie- probably because I haven't been getting much sleep either. During the night when I'm supposed to be asleep, I stay awake and cry silently to myself until I eventually fall asleep for maybe a half hour.

Before I have the chance to look away, an image of Ash appears in the mirror beside me. He has is arm around me and he looks sad and worried for some reason.

"Don't do this Andy. Please come talk to me. Please. I can help you. I love you so much" he says before fading away.

After seeing that image, I realize what I'm actually doing and I run out of the bathroom without a second thought. I run back into the living room where Ashley is still watching the movie and I jump onto the couch and straight into his arms. I hide my face in his chest, holding onto him like my life depends on him (which it does) and before either of us can say anything, I break down crying violently and shaking.

Ash wraps his arms around me, holding me tightly and close to his chest. He starts rubbing my back softly and whispering calming things to me as I sob my heart out in his arms.

"What's wrong Ands?" He asks after a few minutes of silence (except for me crying).

"They're back. They're all back. The monsters. The demons. The voices. Everything. It's all back." I sob as I hold onto him tighter.

"What are they telling you sweetheart?" He asks while still holding me in his arms.

"That you don't love me and that I'll never be enough for you, that I don't deserve to be happy and that I should just kill myself already because no one needs or wants me anymore." I say as I cry harder.

"Baby.... you know that isn't true. I love you so much babe. I don't know what I would do if you left me. Hell I'd follow you. You do deserve to be happy Andy. There are so many people who need you in their lives. I need you in my life. I love you so much Andy." He whispers and holds me tighter.

"I love you Ashy" I say as I continue crying harder and harder until I can't breathe.

"Shh It's okay babe. You're gonna be alright. I'll always be here for you. I got you baby" He says as he holds me even tighter while rubbing my back and slowly rocking us.

I feel Ash lift me onto his lap as he continues to hold me and tries to comfort me.

"Is that why you went to the bathroom? Because you were feeling like this?" He asks softly after a few minutes of me crying. I nod.

"Baby... you didn't do anything, did you?"

"No... but I really wanted to.."

"If you don't mind me asking, what stopped you? How did you convince yourself to come to me instead?" He asks.

"You. I saw an image of you in the mirror and you told me not to do anything and to go talk to you instead. So that's what I did." I whisper.

"I'm so proud of you baby. You're so much stronger than you think you are. I promise you I'll always be here for you." He whispers and kisses the top of my head.

"I love you Ashy" I say as I close my eyes and try to relax more into him.

"I love you too Andy. So so much. I'll always be here for you babe" He says as he kisses the top of my head again and holds me closer to him as I slowly fall asleep for the first time in 3 days in his arms.