Relentless

13

It's been 3 days since the miscarriage and I still haven't left our bedroom. I also still haven't seen Mia. I felt really bad about it but there was something in me that just made me feel like I wasn't worthy to be around her.

I was a terrible mother.

I was also scared to be around her, if I'm being honest. It felt like everything I touched went to shit. I didn't want to hurt her, like I was hurting everyone else.

"Hey Cor...Kat wants to know if you want to go grocery shopping with her..she misses you." Colby said as I stared at the wall blankly. "Can't," I mumbled as he tucked my hair behind my ear. "Come on Cora, it might make you feel a little better." He said and kissed my head.

"Colby...please." I whispered shakily. Every day it felt like I was getting worse, and that the pain in my chest wouldn't stop aching.

I wanted to try to get up and leave the room for Colby's sake, but I felt like a weighted blanket was constantly over my head every time I tried.

"Cora, I know this is hard, and I know you don't want to get up, but I really think hanging out with everyone will help." He said and pulled my arms so I could sit up. "I...I'm not....I..." I said as tears formed in my eyes again.

"Baby girl, please just try for me. I hate seeing you like this." He said quietly and brushed my hair behind my ears. "Okay." I breathed out and closed my eyes, finding the strength to get out of bed.

I haven't eaten or drank much, I couldn't get myself to do it. The only times I would injest anything was if Colby forced me to. I hated seeing him so worried but I couldn't even try to paint a smile on my face.

This pain was too unimaginable.

Colby helped me get out of bed and helped me get to the closet so I could get changed. I caught Colby staring at me as I pulled a shirt down from the rack in front of me, "what?" I asked him as he smiled at me slightly, "I'm just proud of you." He said and came up to kiss my forehead.

"Do you think everyone is going to hate me?" I mumbled as he shook his head, "absolutely not." He said and turned me around, sitting me on the bench in the closet. He started brushing my hair out as I sniffled, "does M-Mia hate me?" I asked as he started braiding my hair. "No. Nobody hates you baby. They're going to be excited to see you." He said and placed a kiss on the top of my head.

"A-are you doing okay? I'm a sh-shitty wife." I said and bit my lip as I looked down, fighting the tears that were rising to the surface.

"You're not shitty Cora, you're the best wife in the world. I'm hanging in there, it hurts a lot, but I'm hanging in there." He said and finished braiding my hair for me. "You'd tell me if you were struggling r-right?" I asked and chewed at my lip, "I would." He said then grabbed the shirt I picked out and helped me get dressed.

It made my heart ache at how supportive he was. He was always so patient with me, but this was on a new level.

I didn't deserve him.

When I stood up I could feel myself start to crumble again, "shhhh. Hey, it's okay. We can just go downstairs for a couple minutes and come right back up. Whatever you need to do." He said and pulled me in for a hug. "O-okay." I whispered as he laced his fingers through mine.

When we walked to the doors I hesitated, feeling my heart beat through my chest.

I was just too embarrassed to face anyone right now.

"It's gonna be okay, baby girl. One step at a time." Colby encouraged and opened the door, stepping out into the hallway.

I followed him slowly and gripped onto his hand harder, feeling the anxiety raging in my chest. "You're doing great baby." He cooed as we slowly walked downstairs.

Everyone was in the living room hanging out, I could hear Mia giggling with Kat which sent a shock of pain through my chest.

I just didn't want to fail her.

When we walked into the room everyone turned to smile at me which caused Mia's head to turn in our direction. She giggled loudly and toddled directly to me, wrapping her arms around my legs. "I..." I said feeling myself start to panic, "it's okay, baby." Colby said and reached down to grab Mia,

She smiled at me from Colby's arms as she reached out to me. I felt my lip quiver as I took a step back, I was feeling so much anxiety I thought my heart was going to explode. "H-hi sweet girl." I said and tried to smile for her as tears poured down my face.

"Mama!" She yelled and reached over, placing her small hand onto my wet cheek. "Oh my god!" Kat said and jumped up as the smallest bit of warmth filled my chest.

"Yeah...it's mama." I whispered and put my hand over hers as I cried, "mama is very sad...but she loves you so much." I whispered as she stared at me, "mama." She said and reached out to me again. Colby tried handing her off but I shook my head, "I can't..." I whispered and turned to look at everyone else, "hey, it's good to see you Cor." Corey said and came up to hug me.

As soon as he hugged me I cried harder. I hated feeling so emotionally unstable around everyone, "I'm sorry." He said and tried to pull away but I tightened my grip on him, crying into his shoulder. "It's okay...it's okay." He mumbled and rubbed my back before I pulled away, "I'm so sorry Cora." Devyn said and wrapped her arms around me, I tried to respond but couldn't get through the tears.

"Love you, Cora." Tara said and hugged me next, I just kept crying, hoping I would get it all out soon, but my chest just kept getting tighter. "Hey Coraline, we made you this." Jake said and came up holding a card that had little notes from everyone on it. I clutched my chest and looked at Colby who was slightly smiling at me, "I missed you so much." Kat said and hugged me tightly, "I'm so sorry...I love you." She said and I sobbed even harder.

"We love you, Cor." Sam said and hugged me last as I collapsed in his arms. I couldn't breathe at this point, the emotions were too much for my body to take, "hey, it's okay, cry it out." Sam soothed as Colby crouched down with Mia, "it's okay Cor, you're doing great." He said and rubbed my back as I tried to calm down.

It took a while but I was eventually back on my feet, "you hungry? I can make you whatever you want." Kat said with a hopeful expression on her face.

"Um...m-maybe some noodles would be fine." I whispered and fiddled with my ring. "Okay! Just buttered? Any sauce or anything?" She asked and smiled, "um...surprise me." I said and shrugged, looking over at Colby. He walked over with Mia and kissed my head, "let me know when you want to go up." He mumbled against my hair.

"Now please." I whispered causing him to nod, "okay." He whispered, "hey Kat! Do me a favor and bring those upstairs when you're done." He called out to Kat as I looked at Mia.

"I love you sweet girl...I'm sorry I'm failing you." I whispered and brushed my fingers through her hair. She smiled and leaned into my touch which sent a shockwave through my heart. I was so beyon grateful for her but I wasn't my best self right now.

She deserved only the best.

When I got upstairs I crawled right into bed again and brought the blankets to my chin, "I'm proud of you baby girl." Colby said and crouched down next to the bed. I gave him a small smile in return and just closed my eyes. I was proud of me too.

It was the little steps right now that counted the most.