Relentless

53

When I opened my eyes everything still felt cloudy, I wanted to rub the sleep out of my eyes but hands were stuck at my sides, tied to the bed.

I frowned and looked around the room, looking for a familiar face but nobody was here. I just had to wait for someone to come tell me what was going on. I just had to sit there with my thoughts.

Everything felt so hazy I didn't know how much time went by before someone in scrubs came in, "oh! You're awake!" She said as I slowly turned my head to look at her, "what's going on?" I asked groggily as she came over to check the IV I was connected to.

"Do you remember what happened?" She asked and wrote something down, "not really." I mumbled feeling so groggy. "I guess that's a good thing then. I'm gonna grab the psychologist and we can get started with the questions." She said as I nodded slowly, "c-can I get water?" I asked quietly as she smiled sympathetically at me.

"Sure thing." She said and brought a cup of water up to my mouth and put the straw between my lips. I didn't realize how thirsty I was until I was quickly sucking down the water almost gasping for air once I pulled away.

"Sorry." I whispered as she shook her head, "it's okay, don't apologize for being thirsty." She said with a small laugh and rubbed my hair down gently before she left the room leaving me alone.

My eyelids were already heavy again as I leaned my head back. I wanted Colby to be here with me. I wanted him to tell me I was gonna be alright.

"Hey Cora, how are you feeling?" The psychologist said as he grabbed the clipboard at the end of the bed. "Numb." I mumbled as he smiled sympathetically at me, "I know sweetheart. We are going to help you through this." He said as I blinked slowly, "where's Colby?" I mumbled as the doctor sat next to me.

"He's in the waiting room with all of your friends, he can come in after we go through a couple things." He said as I nodded slowly, feeling tired again.

"Do you have any dark thoughts right now? Any feelings of dread?" He asked as I shook my head, "just tired." I mumbled as he nodded, "did you think jumping would kill you?" He asked as I nodded, "I knew it would." I whispered, "do you remember why you wanted to do this?" He asked as I nodded,

"I'm disposable." I said quietly as tears welled in my eyes, "I promise you're not, why do you feel like that?" He asked as I shook my head, "I can't." I whispered feeling the hysterics boil up.

"You're in a safe place, it's okay." He soothed as the nurse wiped my tears for me. "I'm not good enough." I whispered as I heaved in a breath, "why do you feel that way?" He asked calmly. I tried to answer but I couldn't get the words out. "It's okay, take your time." He soothed as the nurse combed my hair gently with her fingers.

"I'm broken." I whispered finally as he shook his head, "don't worry honey, we are going to help you. You're not broken, you're just hurting a lot right now." The doctor said and put his hand on my arm comfortingly, "I have one last question then we can bring your husband in here, okay?" He asked as I nodded slowly.

"Do you still want to die?" He asked as my jaw clenched.

Did I? I guess in this moment I did, but did I know the feeling would pass? Did I really want to be gone forever? Or did I want to be gone in this moment?

I couldn't leave Colby and Mia like that. I couldn't leave my friends like that, or even my dad.

Oh god, my dad...he was going to think this was his fault.

"Cora?" The doctor said as I cried, "I don't know." I finally answered. It was kind of a cop out answer, but it was true. I didn't know if I wanted to die or not. "Okay, that's fine. We are going to keep working hard until that answer is a solid no." he said with a small smile as I went to rub my finger on my wedding band only to feel nothing.

"W-where's my ring?" I asked as the nurse set up a new IV bag. "Your husband has it along with your necklaces and hair ties." The doctor said as he put my clipboard down.

"Did you want to sleep or do you want us to send your husband in." The nurse asked as the doctor left the room. "Send him in please." I whispered.

I was a little nervous and embarrassed to see him. He probably thought this was his fault too. He was probably mad at me for scaring him so bad.

I probably just lost everyone because of this.

As soon as the nurse left I let myself cry, I couldn't wipe my tears though so they just collected themselves on the hospital gown I was wearing.

Only a couple minutes passed before the door clicked open and Colby came in, "oh sweetheart..." He whispered and came over to wipe my cheeks, "I'm so sorry." I whispered and held my face, "don't apologize baby, don't apologize." He said then placed a kiss on my head.

"I'm so glad you're alive." He whispered almost to himself as he brushed my hair behind my ear. "Is everyone mad at me?" I whispered as he shook his head, sitting in the chair next to the bed. "No baby girl, they could never be mad at you because of this." He said and brought my restrained hand to his lips.

"Does my dad know?" I asked as he clenched his jaw. "He knows." He said as his face softened a little, "he didn't care did he..." I whispered feeling my heart break again. "Baby girl, of course he cares, he loves you." He said as I shook my head.

"He replaced me. He moved on." I sobbed out as he stopped up and hugged me, "shhhh he didn't mean to make you feel like that sweetheart, he didn't mean to hurt you." He said as I cried, feeling the hole in my heart deepen.

"I'm the problem. I triggered her. I made their life harder. I'm the problem." I cried out as he held me tighter, "shhhhh you're not the problem, you're not. It's okay Cor, you're just hurting a lot." He said and rubbed my back as he held my body to his.

"I love you." I whispered as he kissed my head. "I love you, Cora. I love you so fucking much. I just want you to be okay, whatever it takes. I'll be here with you." He said and held me close. 

After a while the nurse came in to give me some food. Since Colby was going to sit with me I could take the arm restraints off to eat. I understood why they were so concerned, but it made me feel like I was crazy. 

"This food sucks." I mumbled as Colby grinned at me. "I can have someone go get you better food." He said and smoothed my hair down, "I don't deserve better food right now." I said as he shook his head, "yes you do, love. I'll text Sam." He said as I sighed.

"Is Mia here?" I asked as he typed on his phone, "I think she's here still, did you want to see her?" He asked and looked up at me, "not right now." I whispered and shook my head. I didn't want her to see me like this. "Okay, she loves you, you know that right?" He asked as I hesitated.

She would be okay without you.

"Yes. I know." I said and tried to smile for him, knowing it wasn't reaching my eyes at all.

"Sam is going to bring you food, what would you like?" He asked as I shook my head, "anything..I don't want to be a bother." I said as he frowned and brushed his fingers along my cheek. "You're never a bother, Cora." He said and kissed my forehead gently.

We sat around for a while, as I fought off sleep. I wanted to wait until the food got here so Sam's efforts wouldn't have been for nothing.

"You tired?" Colby asked as he rubbed my arm with his hand, "yeah." I whispered and closed my eyes, "I'm going to wait though," I said quietly as he nodded, "okay, he's actually here though so I'm gonna go run and grab it okay?" He asked as I nodded, "okay." I said as he leaned down to kiss me.

As soon as he left to get the food the nurse came in, "hey, your sister requested to see you, are you up for it?" She asked as she checked my iv, "my sister?" I asked as she nodded, "yeah, she asked to come back." The nurse said as I nodded slowly.

I obviously didn't have a sister so I was curious to see who was going to come back here. "Yeah. That's fine." I whispered and laid my head back.

"Okay. I'll send her back." She said then left the room.

I waited about a minute before the doorknob turned and revealed who was coming in.