ATEEZ 9th Member AU

Coming Home Pt. 4

It's Nari's turn to talk

"Maybe we should go somewhere a little more private." She said quietly and he nodded, standing up and reaching his hand out for her to take and follow. She lightly took it, following him to his room. She sat down on Yunho's bed, hugging her knees to her chest as he closed the door. "Seonghwa won't let anyone in." She murmured and he hummed.

He ran his hand through his already messy hair, sitting down across from her at the desk chair. Her heart was breaking watching him. His hands were trembling even though he was doing his best not to show it. He was squeezing them together, burying them in his lap. His leg was lightly bouncing up and down and he was having trouble making eye contact.

"I've had some time to think," she started and she saw his breath hitch, his brown eyes closing briefly before he nodded his head for her to keep going. She bit her bottom lip. There was no way either of them were getting out of this without being hurt. Broken. Shattered. Without tears being shed because she could feel them pooling in her eyes.

"I was away. And it was by myself. I just took two weeks to be by myself. To work on me, think about everything. And yes, you've made mistakes, but so have I, San-ah." He didn't say anything, trying his best to keep eye contact with her but he was finding it difficult. It felt like his chest was caving in and his heart was like a jackhammer in his ribs.

"I know I'm not the easiest to love. I know I can be nosy and loud and stubborn. I know I can be petty. It's something I want to work on. Not just for you or us or the group, but for me. I want to be a better friend and team member. And it hurts you, even if you don't outwardly say it. I can see it. I can feel it. And it breaks my heart every time because it's something I did and trust me, San, the last thing I've ever wanted to do is hurt you. Or anyone."

All he could manage was a hum in response. He couldn't bring himself to speak, not trusting his voice to stay steady. "I really thought that maybe—right now isn't our time." San felt the air leave his lungs and he froze. While he expected this, he wasn't prepared. Nari had been the first and so far, only girl he'd loved. Loves. He wasn't here to make her change her mind or her decision, but he felt like every bone in his body was collapsing. He wasn't even sure if his heart was beating right now. He couldn't cry yet. Not yet.

"But I also want to try and work things out, too. But really work things out. Our communication is great as team members, as friends. But as a couple? It's horse shit." San didn't how he brought himself to chuckle slightly, painfully. But he did. Nari offered a weak smile; she was trying to find some humor in anything. Anything than the suffocating feeling she was feeling right now. Like the whole building was collapsing around her.

She's had crushes, even dated some people before becoming a trainee, before debuting. But that's all they were—crushes. The feelings she felt for the boy in front of her were raw and true. Deeper than anything she'd ever felt for anyone before. Seeing him doing his best not to fall apart in front of her right now was literally breaking her. Because she wanted to fall apart too. Wanted to just run across the room and smash her lips on to his. Hug him, hold him. Run her fingers through his hair.

Tell him that it would be okay. That they would be okay and that they'd work this out. But she couldn't do that right now because could it really be okay? "I—I have questions. And I need answers." She choked out, blinking her eyes a few times to delay the onslaught of tears she knew was coming. San cleared his throat, nodding at her, dark orbs peering into hers and mirroring the pain that she was feeling.

"Do you love me? Truly love me?" She asked quietly and San's mouth fell open. Did she really think he didn't love her? Had he really been that bad that she felt like he wasn't genuine? That he didn't care? His body twitch, urging him to move forward and wrap her small frame and pull her to his chest. Kiss her forehead, show her and tell her all the ways he loved her. He'd repeat for the rest of their lives every second if that's what it took.

"Of course—I love you. More than anything." He said, voice small and weak. She didn't say anything and he saw her hands trembling slightly. He sucked up his emotions, standing tall and trying to look confident and determined even though he felt the farthest from the two. He kneeled in front of her, hesitantly placing one of his hands on her leg. She peered down at him and his heart was breaking at the unshed tears in his eyes and the broken look on her face.

"You're the first thing on my mind when I wake and the last thing before I go to sleep. I have so many pictures of you on my phone, more than half you don't even know about. I just scroll through them when you're not around. Just to see you. To pretend like you're there in some way. I promise they're all decent photos." He just needed to lightly tease, needed to see her lips turn into a smile even if it was only for a second. And he was rewarded with that.

"I know when you're hurting, when you're upset. Even if you're not physically there with me. I can feel it. It's like an alarm goes off in my head that you're not okay. When I see you in pain, I feel it ten times more. I want to protect you, I don't want to hurt you. And I know I have, but I'll protect you from myself too." Nari hadn't noticed her hand had slipped down to rest on top of his. His thumb was lightly running over her knuckles.

"When I'm not next you, I feel empty. Even if it's just because you got up to grab something. I'm painfully aware of you everywhere. Anything I see relates back to Kim Nari somehow. All the good, bad and ugly. I'm undeniably in love with you, Nari. Have been since day one. Since you first walked into our practice room and introduced yourself."

That made her smile and surprised at the same time. "Y-you mean that whole time? You liked me?" He shook his head, looking straight into her eyes. "Loved. I've loved you since then. Even if I didn't realize that's what it was back then." She squeezed his hand and he weakly squeezed back, his still trembling.

"I meant it when I said I was willing to work on this. On us. And not just as a couple, but as friends and teammates too. Whatever you need. But I'll respect whatever you decide." He brought her hand to his lips, kissing her knuckles. She slowly untangled her limbs and slid down into his lap. His arms tightened around her, pulling her to his chest and resting his chin on her head.

"I—I don't know what we can do." She whimpered and San tightened his grip more, trying to keep his voice steady. "So, we talk about it. We make this decision together. But right now, I think we're both tired and have reached our limit on emotions for one night." She nodded, not saying anything. But she was feeling drained.

"I'd ask you to sleep here with me, but I don't think that's best right now." He said, sadly. She nodded. "You're probably right. But we'll continue first thing in the morning?" San nodded, kissing her forehead. "Promise. I'll have coffee waiting." She wished him a good night, stepping out of the room and closing the door. She was able to quietly make her to her room, closing the door and sliding down it, hugging her knees to her chest once more.

She was finally able to cry, let her tears fall. "Nari-ah," she heard through her muffled sobs and felt a pair of arms wrapping around her. "C'mon, lemme put you in bed." It was Hongjoong. He lifted her effortlessly and she wanted to make a jab about how strong he'd become but she didn't have it in her. He set her down on his bed, keeping his one arm wrapped around her shoulders. "Wanna talk about it?" He asked gently and she shook her head.

"We still need to finish talking. But these feelings, these emotions. They hurt, oppa. They hurt so much. Just the thought of losing him, of losing us. I'd rather be dead than feel this." Hongjoong's lips pressed into a thin line, but he didn't say anything, pulling her to him and letting her quietly sob until she fell asleep. He pulled the covers over her, kissing her temple before climbing up into her bunk.

He'd only hoped that they'd be able to handle whatever decision they made. Good or bad.