Tommyinnit Oneshots (With SBI)

What is Happy? (Tommy)

This is a request! I tried to write it as accurately as possible!

Tommy POV

I had always been different, especially when it came to emotions. I couldn't quite understand them. Like I knew what each one was meant to be, but I had difficulty understanding other people's emotions.

At a young age I discovered that this wasn't normal. Apparently I had a disorder called alexithymia. There was no cure, so I was told I would just have to live with it. 

It was always an act, nothing was ever real, or at least that's what it felt like. The only thing I could feel was anger, panic, and fear. So when I began streaming, I quickly took on a loud, annoying persona.

I never told anyone about my disorder, feeling like they would judge me or worse, leave me and I couldn't deal with that. So I simply turned to acting, which I was surprisingly good at. The only issue was that I didn't know when to stop or when to link things to my emotions. And I especially couldn't read faces.

It was a normal day streaming, playing around with everyone and generally having a good time, or what I think is a good time. We were doing a bit like we always do, so I couldn't understand why Wilbur kept sending me messages.

"I mean, Tubbo can't even read! Can you Tubbo?" I laughed obnoxiously. 

"I-I uh..."

A ding rang through my computer and I opened my discord messages with Wilbur.

Stop Tommy.

Can't you see his face?

I looked back at the screen, staring at Tubbo's face. He was looking down, biting his lip. Was he not happy? I shook my head, trying to understand what I was meant to be seeing. So naturally, I kept going.

"Go on Tubbo! Read something!" I exclaimed, smirking.

"T-tommy... please stop..." 

I didn't understand what was happening. Why should I stop? 

"What do you not like the bit?" I asked, feeling my heart begin to pound. What's wrong with me? What's happening? I tried to shake it off since I was still on camera.

"Tommy he said stop." Wilbur put in, his face growing serious.

"You don't like my bits?" I suddenly glared, feeling my face heat up. Why was Wil doing this? I didn't do anything wrong!

"Tom-"

"WHY ARE YOU GETTING MAD AT ME?! I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!" I shouted, feeling my heart race even more.

"TOMMY!" Techno yelled, making me stop. "Calm down Tommy, alright? No one is trying to make you mad."

My hand fell to my chest. Why was my heart racing? Slowly, I regained my breathing and my heart went back to normal.

"-mmy?"

"What?" I asked, immediately going back to my fake persona.

"Are you okay?" Wilbur questioned, his brown eyes showing all their concern.

"Of course, why wouldn't I be?" I chuckled. I muted myself, turning back to the stream. "That's it for today boys! Hope you liked it!" After everyone saying their goodbyes I clicked end stream, unmuting myself and tuning back into the call.

"You okay Tubbo?" Techno spoke softly.

"Yeah... I-I just don't like it when Tommy makes fun of dyslexia." he admitted.

"Tommy apologize." Wilbur ordered.

I knew better than to argue. "Sorry Tubbo... I uh... I didn't mean it." I was still unsure of what I was even sorry about to be honest.

"I-It's okay." Tubbo smiled.

That day was one of many, with my disorder becoming more and more obvious. It made me panic a lot, but I always tried to force myself out of it. Until one day, I couldn't hide it anymore.

"Tommy?"

"Hmmmm?" I hummed, glancing back at my monitor. We weren't streaming. A group of us were sitting in a discord call, just talking things over.

"Why do you look so... dead?" Phil questioned, his voice filled with worry.

Quickly I tried to act it off, like I always did. But how do you try to pretend something is real when it isn't? Acting could only get me so far.

"It's nothing."

"Tommy, is something wrong? You seem so upbeat and happy and then suddenly you look so numb." Dream spoke gently. 

"You can tell us anything." Niki added.

I bit my lip, shaking my head even though they couldn't see it. "I'm okay."

"Are you not happy?" Techno asked.

"Happy?" I echoed, confusion raking my brain. Oh, happy was what most people felt when doing things they liked. The call was silent, waiting for my response. With a deep breath I decided I had had enough. Maybe they would understand? "I'm don't know what happy feels like."

"What do you mean?" Ranboo's voice was filled with confusion.

"I uh... I have alexithymia." I confessed.

"Alexithymia? What's that?" Tubbo voice filed in.

"It's a mental disorder where people have trouble feeling emotions and reading other people's emotions." Techno explained. "My sister has it." He paused, "Tommy why didn't you tell us?"

"Didn't see the point." I shrugged.

"How long has this been going on?" Sapnap was trying to understand, trying to wrap his brain around it.

"Since as long as I can remember." I answered. "It's no big deal really, acting is pretty easy."

"It's all acting..." Wilbur realized.

"Yeah..."

The silence was deafening.

"There's nothing wrong with that Tommy." Techno suddenly said, "You should have told us. It would have cleared a few things up."

"Sorry." I murmured, again trying to figure out if he was angry or maybe sad?

"It's alright." Dream spoke up, I could practically hear his smile. "No wonder you're so good at acting."

I laughed, feeling something like I always did. I wasn't sure what it was, but it was something.

And somehow that was enough.

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I absolutely hate that ending, but I tried. I've never really heard of this disorder before, so correct me if I got any of it wrong!

Hope you liked it!

School is finally out so I should have some more time to write! ^_^

Hope you have a wonderful day!

-Snowy