Ellie Dixon

Guilt

A few days had gone by since the incident at the barn. My dad had pulled away from everybody else. Maggie had found an extra tent in their shed and gifted it to the group, dad saw this as an opportunity to be by himself. The tent was supposed to be for me and Sophia, but Carol wanted me and Sophia to stay in with her just in case, so my mum had the tent to herself. My dad kept our old tent and moved it just into the tree line on the edge of the farm. It was like he was leaving me all over again. I didn't know what was going on with him. 

Beth had also gone into shock. I'm not really sure what that meant, but she was lying in bed with her eyes open. She wasn't dead, but she wasn't acting like someone who's alive either.

Hershel had gone into town alone, so Rick and Glenn went in after him, but when six hours went by and they hadn't come back, people started to panic. Lori took it upon herself to go after them, so Shane brought her back because she had been in a car accident.... She somehow managed to flip the car. Shane lied to Lori, telling her that Rick, Glenn and Hershel had managed to come back so that she would come back too.

"Where are they?" Lori demanded, looking at Shane. I shared a look with Sophia as we were about to watch some drama unfold. "You asshole." Lori walked over to Shane and started punching his chest.

"Lori, I will go after them, and I will find them." Shane gently pushed Lori off of him. "Hey, first things first I gotta look after you. I gotta make sure the baby's alright, okay?"

"Oh, shit." I tried not to laugh as I put my hand over my mouth in shock. I shook my head when Lori glanced at me, trying to pretend I hadn't just laughed.

"You're having a baby?" Carl asked, nobody had seen him come over here.

"Oh, it just keeps getting better and better." I whispered to Sophia.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Carl asked.

"I- I- I..." Lori stuttered, at a loss for words.

"Probably cause it's not Ricks." I whispered to Sophia who pursed her lips together, shaking her head so she didn't laugh at me. Shane heard me though, he somehow managed to send me a deadly glare yet looking happy that someone agreed with him at the same time.

"Come on. Let's make sure you're alright." Dale interrupted the awkward silence by motioning for Lori to go with him. Lori nodded and went with him to the house so that Dale could make sure Lori was okay in Hershel's absence.

When Sophia and Carol were starting to lay down to go to bed, I started putting my shoes on. "Where are you going?" Sophia asked.

"To say goodnight to my dad." I responded.

"Take this torch." Carol handed it to me. "And be careful."

"I will, mum." I said without thinking and then froze when I realised what word had slipped out of my mouth. "Carol. Sorry, I meant to say Carol."

"It's all right, darling. I don't mind." Carol gently rubbed my arm with a smile. I looked over to Sophia who was also smiling.

"Right..." I trailed off before starting to leave the tent. "See ya." With that I walked away. Flickering on my torch, I started walking across the field over to where my dad was staying. When I got there, his campfire was still on. I noticed that he had squirrels, bunnies and some other small animals stringed up along with his necklace made of ears. "Oh." I commented, eyeing the ears.

I felt a hand grip my shoulder, screaming in surprise I quickly whizzed around and saw my dad. "I thought I told you not to come here after dark." He said before walking over to his fire and sitting down.

I walked over and sat next to him, flickering off my torch. "I wanted to say goodnight."

"I don't care, if it's dark you stay in camp. Don't you get that?" Dad looked angry.

"Why are you mad at me?" I frowned.

He sighed, shaking his head and resting it in his hands. "I'm not mad, baby. I'm worried. You can't be close to the forest at night."

"Well, that's stupid-" I started.

"Hey." Dad interrupted.

"I survived out there for over a week and now I can't even come say goodnight to my father?" I questioned.

"You barely survived." Dad pointed out.

"Why are you pulling away? It's like my birthday and Christmas. You and mum would argue the whole week, then at the end of the week you'd have a massive argument, and you'd leave until the next celebration. Jacob dies and you're pulling away. Why? Why are you leaving me again?" I ranted.

"Because I couldn't save him." Dad muttered.

"What?" I whispered.

"He was twelve years old. You saw how Ed was. No doubt beat on the boy from time to time... My dad, he uh-... He wasn't very nice to me either. And I acted out. I had trouble with authority, I did what I wanted, what Merle wanted. When those kids were finally free from their father... They got lost, you got lost. I found you and Sophia. I convinced myself and Carol that I would find Jacob so he could live a good life, without being terrified of his father. And I lost him. I couldn't find him. That's on me." Dad explained to me quietly.

"It's not your fault, daddy." I comforted him.

"Yea, yea it is." Dad nodded.

I hugged him tightly, he just looked down. His hands were shaking so he interlocked them to try and calm himself. "You can't save everybody."

Dad took a deep breath. "I know... And we've lost others, ya know? But Jacob was different. He was just a kid. If anything were to happen to you... Sophia or Carol... I don't know what I'd do." Dad shook his head, letting go of his hands and picking me up so I sat in his lap. "I know I haven't always been there for you. I've spent more time away than I have with you... That's because I was afraid to turn out like my father. I didn't want to hurt you. I'm glad that you had your mama. I know she ain't perfect, but she loves you, and she treats you good."

"What about that night at camp when the walkers attacked?" I asked.

"She was just scared is all. I know now that she wouldn't hurt you. It was just in the moment, you don't need to worry about that, princess." Dad kissed my cheek.

I was holding back the tears as I looked to the ground while leaning my head against his chest. "I better get back to Carol and Sophia."

"I'll walk you back." Dad offered.

"No, I'm fine. Goodnight." With that I practically ran away from my dad's camp. I didn't want him to find out about mum, but did he really think that she was perfect? Did he really think that she loved me? Or was he just telling himself that because he didn't want to admit that we had more in common than he realised, that I realised?