Ellie Dixon

I Don't Need Saving

When we got back to Alexandria, our food supply had been wiped out, and Gabriel was missing. The Saviours had shown up to look for my father and the doc, but obviously found neither. Rick, Michonne and a few others went to look for them and they found another group. The Garbage People as I called them. Whoever the creepy twats were, they'd kidnapped Gabriel and our food... We got the priest and most of our food back as well as recruiting them for our war.

That was a month ago. I was turning eleven in a few weeks, and I'd never been so unexcited for a birthday. Ever. My father was always there for my birthdays, Rosita showed up around that time... This year... This year was completley different. 

I was sharpening my knife, sitting by the lake. Rosita suddenly came over and sat next to me. "Hey." I muttered.

"Hi." She whispered. "Mi amor, I came to say goodbye."

"Why? Where you going?" I questioned, looking up to her.

"I'm... Going to the Hilltop. To train people with Sasha." She answered.

"Okay, see you soon." I smiled, looking back to my knife.

"It's not that simple. We don't know what could happen..." Rosita trailed off, with her tone, I looked back up to her. "I just wanted to tell you that I love you. I love you so much. I don't say it enough, but it's true. I want you to know, that even when I wasn't with you... I was thinking about you. You've always been my best friend. You've always been there for me. I'm sorry I wasn't around more when you were growing up. If I knew what was happening... I would've taken you away."

"Where's all this coming from?" I asked.

She tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. "Don't worry. Just remember what I said, alright?"

I nodded. "Of course. I already know all that... You know that I love you. Are you okay?"

Rosita smiled. "I'm okay... I told Rick and Michonne about what happened. I'm sorry I didn't tell them sooner. I didn't want to say it out loud, because I didn't want it to be true. I should've gotten you help sooner."

"I don't need help, Rosita. I'm fine. It was a one time thing." I lied with a convincing smile on my face.

Rosita nodded, leaning forward and kissing my forehead. "I love you."

"And I love you." I laughed a little. Rosita wiped a tear from her face before getting up and walking away. "See you soon!" I called after her. She stopped, like she was going to turn and look at me, but she just kept walking. I furrowed my eyebrows before going back to my knife.

Not even five minutes later, Sophia ran over to me. "Ellie, our room! Rick's going crazy!" She yelled.

"Why?" I questioned.

"No idea." Sophia responded.

I ran home, leaving my knife and the sharpening equipment on the hall table. I sprinted to my room and saw Rick searching through all my stuff. "What the hell are you doing?" I asked as he basically threw mine and Sophia's stuff everywhere.

"Where is it?" He demanded.

"Where's what?" I asked, he opened one of the draws in the chest of draws and was quite literally sifting through underwear. "Rick, what the hell!" I yelled at him. I ran over, trying to stop him, but it was too late. He lifted up the lighter and the pack of cigarettes. He slammed the draw shut and looked at me with hard eyes and a clenched jaw. I swallowed thickly. "The Hello Kitty pair ain't mine."

"This isn't a joke, Ellie." Rick hissed, walking over and sitting on Sophia's bunk. 

I leaned against the chest of draws. "It ain't a big deal."

"You're ten years old!" Rick raised his voice again.

"Yea, I know." I sighed, running a hand through my hair. "I'll be eleven soon though. So..."I trailed off.

"What would your father think?" Rick pushed.

"Don't know. Don't care. He ain't here, Rick. I haven't seen him in over a month, so how the hell am I supposed to know?" I challenged.

"You can't be doing shit like this. You want to end up like Isabella?" Rick raised his eyebrows.

"Jesus Christ!" I laughed humourlessly. "Why do people keep saying that to me? I don't beat kids, I'm nothing like her."

"That's not what I meant and you know it." He said, calmly.

"I don't need saving! We have bigger issues than me having a fag every now and again! What the hell does it matter?" I raised my voice a little.

"It matters to me!" Rick yelled. "You matter to me! You matter, Ellie!... Just... Just why?"

"Because I needed a way to cope. Surprise, surprise, I'm not as strong as everyone thinks I am. Funnily enough, watching your mother be torn apart by walkers, then having to shoot her in the head leaves a mark on a kid. She may have been an abusive, alcoholic, druggie asshole who didn't give two shits about me, but she was my mother! You know what we've been through, Rick. What I've been through. I thought I could handle it, I thought everyone would be fine. I thought that if I acted strong, and I was there for everyone else that I would be okay. I was wrong. A few panic attacks will knock that sense into you." I explained. "I am sorry that I let you down, but I have a right to be upset with the shit that has happened."

"I'm not saying you don't have that right, Ellie." Rick spoke calmly. "But, that doesn't mean you can do this. You know how many people are here for you. How many people love you."

"Doesn't feel that way." I admitted, my voice cracking when tears filled my eyes. "Mum left... She just walked away. How could she do that, mama Rick?"

Rick sighed and tapped the bed next to him. I walked over and sat next to him. The old mattress we'd looted was lumpy underneath me. Rick pulled me into a hug, leaving a kiss on my head. "Just like you have a right to be upset, so does Carol."

"I get that. But, she left in the middle of the night without saying goodbye. Were we not even worth a goodbye?" I whispered.

Rick squeezed me tighter. "Of course you are. She didn't say goodbye, because she knew that if she looked into your eyes, into Sophia's eyes... She wouldn't be able to leave."

"I don't hate her for leaving." I admitted. "I just... I don't know."

"I understand." Rick whispered.

A sob ripped from my throat. "I'm sorry."

"It's alright, honey. It's alright. You're alright." Rick pulled me into his lap. "We're going to set you up to talk to Mrs Tanner."

"No, please-" I started.

"It'll be good for you, Ellie." Rick assured me. "I just wish there was a way for me to get you, and Carl, and Sophia away from all of this."