Ellie Dixon

But Never Comfort Me With a Lie

I slowly removed my hands from my ears when I heard it again. "I'm not a scientist!" Eugene repeated when Abraham and everyone else stopped yelling. "I lied... I'm not a scientist. I don't know how to stop it. I'm not a scientist."

The words repeated in my head. I'm not a scientist. How could he not be a scientist? He knew stuff. Science stuff. He knew that one guy from that Human project thing, right? It's not possible. He wouldn't lie. He's Eugenius. He wouldn't give us so much hope just to take it away from us at the last second. He must've had more morals than that? I wanted to change, I wanted a better life, I wanted a piece of my old self back... I wouldn't be able to do that anymore though. I had to stay in survival mode, and I didn't like who I was in survival mode. I felt my knees go weak so I let myself fall to the floor, all hope of having a better life going with me.

"You are a scientist. I've seen the things you can do." Rosita stated, denial probably. I had no problem accepting the truth, you get used to it when life lets you down so many times... Although my hands did start to shake as I felt a sudden pain my chest.

"I just know things." Eugene denied.

"You just... Know things?" Glenn repeated. 

"I know I'm smarter than most people, I know I'm a very good liar, and I know I needed to get to DC." Eugene responded. I couldn't really process the things going on in my head, it felt like my brain had disconnected from my body.

"Why?" I heard Maggie ask.

"Because I do believe that locale holds the strongest possibility of survival... And I wanted to survive. If I could cheat some people into taking me there, well, I just reasoned that I'd be doing them a solid too... Considering the perilous state of the city of Houston when Abraham found me." Eugene answered, but the voice sounded a bit muffled in my head. 

I could feel my heart rate pick up, what was going on with me? Was I having a heart attack? No, that's not possible. Why did I feel like I couldn't breathe and my heart was about to pop out of my chest? I watched as Abraham slowly squatted down, did he feel the same as me? No, he looked a lot calmer. Why was I the only feeling like this? Reacting like this?

"People died trying to get you hear." Rosita stated, her voice cracking slightly as she talked. I tried taking deep breaths but I couldn't get them. I couldn't control the quick and rapid breaths escaping my lips as my shaking hands grabbed onto my chest for dear life. Since I was behind everyone, my silent attack was going unnoticed. 

"I'm aware of that... Stephanie, Warren, Pam, Rex, Roger, Josiah, Dirk and Josephine... And Bob." The way Eugene was speaking, if I wasn't silently suffering, if I wasn't so upset, if I wasn't so pissed at him... I may have felt sorry for him. "You see, I lost my nerve as we grew closer, for I am a coward... And the reality of getting to our destination and disclosing the truth of the matter became some truly frightening shit. I took it upon myself to slow our roll... Find time to finesse things, so that when we got there... But at this moment, I fully realize there are no longer any agreeable options. I was screwed either way... I also lied about T. Brooks Ellis liking my hair. I do not know T. Brooks Ellis. But, I did read one of his books, and he seemed like the type of guy that wouldn't blink twice at a Tennessee Top Hat." Eugene explained. I felt faint, like I was going to pass out, but I didn't think I would... It was just dizziness that came along with the confusion as to what was happening with my body against my will.  "Ellie?" I heard my name leave Eugene's mouth but I didn't look up.

"Ellie?" My name was repeated by Rosita who pushed Glenn out of the way to get to me first as she ran to me, squatting in front of me. "What's wrong, mi amor? Talk to me."

"I can't-" Were the only words I could get out as tears filled my eyes.

"What's wrong with her?" Tara questioned as Maggie and Glenn ran over too.

"She's having a panic attack." Maggie realised. "Ellie, look at me, sweetheart."

"I think I'm suffocating." I cried out, struggling to breathe.

"You're not suffocating. You gotta breathe, with me, honey." Maggie said, taking a deep breath in.

I tried but I failed. "I can't-"

"Yes, you can. Try again." Rosita encouraged me.

"Again... I am smarter than you now you may want to leave me here but-" Eugene was cut off by Abraham punching him across the face.

"Glenn, go help them." Maggie said to Glenn who glanced at me before running over. "Breathe in, sweetheart. Breathe in for four, hold it for four, breathe out for four, hold it for four. Okay, honey? We're gonna try that. Try it with me now, sweetie." Maggie talked calmly.

After a few failed attempts, I finally made it through my first set of equal four breaths. "Well done, mi amor." Rosita said as she leaned over to grab something, she pulled back and handed me a rock. "Fiddle with this to stop your hands from shaking."

I did what she said as I kept trying to breathe, getting better and better at breathing deeply as each breath went by. "You're doing so good, Ellie. I'm so proud of you, sweetheart." Maggie smiled. She ran her hand gently through my hair. "Everything's okay. You don't need to worry. We're right here. We're not leaving you. You can get through this... Why don't you tell me about that time you and Rosita accidentally robbed that corner store again."

"Maggie, we need you over here! Eugene's hurt pretty bad!" Tara called over.

"He can wait!" Maggie called back before turning back to me. "I told you that we're not leaving. Go on now, tell me the story again."

"Well... Uh-... It was middle of s-summer like it always- always was when Rosita visited... I wanted a ch-chocolate bar but mama only gave us en- enough money for ice-ice cream." A small smile graced my face at the memory as I stared at the ground, fiddling with the rock in my hand. "I meant to put it back... Honest, I did... But- but I got distracted... I a- accidentally put- put it in my pocket so I could pick up Best Boomerang Weekly. My fav- favourite magazine." I explained, they were patient with my stuttering and repeated words as they looked at me with soft smiles. I don't usually stutter, but with my breath barely back in my lungs, it took a while for me to get through the short story. "What happened to me?"

"You had a panic attack, darling. It's okay, they're normal." Maggie said to me softly.

I nodded. "I'm not gonna die?"

Rosita laughed quietly. "No, amor. You're not gonna die. Not for a very long time yet."

I smiled slightly "I'm sorr-"

"Don't even think about finishing that sentence, sweetheart. This was not your fault." Maggie denied.

I bit my bottom lip but nodded. "Why don't you go make sure Abraham hasn't killed Eugene. I got this." Rosita suggested to Maggie.

Maggie looked to me first. "You okay?"

I smiled at her. "I'm okay."

She leaned forward and kissed the top of my head before walking away to Eugene who was laying on his back, unmoving. Rosita pulled me into her lap and turned me away from the site. "Don't think about him or them. It's just me and you now, mi amor. I've got you, and I'm not letting go."