Den of Monsters

Cost Of Humanity: Ayanokoji Kiyotaka SS

throughout my entire life i have never been much of an expressive person, i felt certain hints of emotion but i never found myself projecting them to the world.

i never laughed like ryuuji.

never cried like ayano.

never got angry like horikita

never got annoyed like yuuichi and so on...

i was always just standing observing the world, i interacted with it when i desired but only minimally as i feared my inhumanity would push people away from me, i am not normal and i am very much aware of that, i am not like yuki or shiro and i am obviously not one bit similar to hina.

to this day...the memory of that final night i talked with hina still lingers on, it was the night right before my downward spiral into heartlessness, the night where i truly understood one thing...i am nothing but a monster...

"shiro plans on leaving next year, he tried to invite yuki to leave with him but she refused" i one day said to hina as we were seated on my bed, she was holding onto her knees and hiding her face while i was sitting cross legged.

"i see..." she muttered in response.

i stared at her for a moment observing her somewhat darkened eyes, the bright violet color in them is turning quite black in this moment.

"did any of the instructors tell you something?"

"eh? no kiyotaka, they rarely talk with me..."

as they do i suppose...

"then why are you so sad" i questioned to which hina sighed heavily as she scratched her head.

"kiyotaka, one day i am sure you will escape, i am sure that you will without a doubt move on from this wretched home of ours, when you do, you will become more human everyday, you will lose alot of the perfection you had here, you will find your heart aching, your stomach will bubble and your face will move, knowing such a thing will occure i can't help but fear for you...the outside world isn't good kiyotaka, it allowed for a place like this home of ours to exist and that in of itself tells me alot about it, nontheless...we must face this dark world, if we don't how will we even call ourselves...human"

is that the cost for our freedom?...it's a heavy one for sure...

"your words are contradicting...are you saying that this place is better than the world outside?" i questioned to hear her more of what she means.

"wrong, the world is beautiful, it's cruel but it's beautiful, this place isn't anything like it, it's flawed and tarnished, you and i are no perfections my dear brother...we're simply hollow circles in a world filled with darkened ones"

"does that mean we have a chance to be dark like everyone else, be filled with these emotions we lack?"

hina smiled slightly at me as she stared me in the eye.

"kiyotaka...i am not a good person, i never was and never will be, i am selfish to no ends, i feel hatred, i feel fear, i feel anger and i projected them all onto you, i suppose since this is probably the last night we'll ever get to talk to each other for a while i should be honest with you for once..."

hina leaned forward as she put her hand on my cheek and pinched it slightly as she smiled a very calm smile.

"i have always feared you kiyotaka...you're everything i hate about this place and everything wrong with it"

i believe at that time this was the first time i felt the emotion people call...sadness, i didn't understand what the sudden tightening in my stomach and pain in my head was until i grew up to be a man, i was utterly shocked by her, i thought i had proven myself to be human with every lesson i passed while talking to her but i was utterly wrong at the time...

hina sighed as she leaned forward even closer, her face was plastered at mine and we were barely even two centimeters away.

she put her hand on my head and stuck her forehead onto mine with her eyes closed.

"with all that said...i still can't find myself living without you on my mind, you're the monster i am willing to die for...my dear older brother"

the following moments after this conversation all felt like a blink to me...my only hope in the world declared me a damned human being and in return i didn't change...i hurt her and was dubbed a monster once again.

she left and first...i cried, i cried because i was lonely, eventually i learned that the only person who can save this hollow shell of a human...is me.