Den of Monsters

I Still Miss You: Ayano Tateyama and Ayanokoji Kiyotaka SS

I know a boy...he's as calm as they come, he's stoic, he's strong, he's handsome and he's...astonishing.

He loves me and i love him, he knows how much of a weakling and an idiot i am and i know how much of a hero and a genius he is.

I love him so much it's...unbelievable, i can't even begin to describe how i felt when he first kissed me, it was...just...insane.

My world became so much better when he was with me, his cold and calm embrace kept me free of worry and that was all that mattered, as long as my body warmed his and his body kept mine safe...i was happy.

But such a marvelous boy wasn't destined to stay in one place was he?...of course the world wanted him to move on from such a stupid and useless girl like me but...i didn't.

I wanted him to stay, i wanted him to always be there to nod at me when i greet him, to hug me when i felt scared, to kiss me when i felt alone.

I wanted us to always be together but...he chose the world over me and that's perfectly understandable...he's the hero of this world isn't he?...

I am not meant to be there for him all the time i have come to understand that...very painfully at that.

I miss him everyday, i cry everyday in my bed as i think of our time together, of the first time i called his name, of the first time he touched my head to calm me down, of the first smile he gave to me, of the first time i hugged him, of the first time i gave him my body, of the first time i sacrificed everything for him...of everything.

I love you so much...Kiyotaka, you may be already aware of that and you may think i am angry at you but...i am just worried and sad as always.

I am such a weakling you know?...i can't do anything but love you and care about everything related to you.

So when you return...will you ask me which hurt more? My departure or that noose? I will say...your departure because not a single thing about this life matters anymore without you my love...not a single thing.

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Very often do i find myself thinking calmly to myself after training within this facility, some parts of my line of thinking goes to the dangers ahead but at times...it focuses alone on one person.

She is a very weak girl and at times...very stupid, she was the very first trap i fell for in my life and also the one i will never escape from.

My weakness has become very clear to me as i recall my father's teachings about the absolute need for victory to exist in this world.

Regrettably father...your son has become a weak man, not weak in the body nor mind. Thankfully both of these are growing to even bigger heights, No...he has become weak in his heart.

Or perhaps that is not the case...some of the greatest men fell for the same trap i did.

Lao Tzu has said that 'Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.' and i find myself often agreeing with him.

That weak girl i spoke of has dedicated so much to me, her tears, her body, her mind and...her heart. It's all so...sudden and shocking but also quite wonderful.

To be honest...with you i wouldn't really have gone to this extent, i know you're angry, you're sad, you're frustrated and maybe you even hate me but...

Rest assured, all will be well, if not. Then i'll make it so.

And perhaps when i return you will ask me which is important? My life or yours? I will say...mine and you will smile hesitantly not knowing that you are my life...