secret family // baylor (completed)

protect her heart

"Have a good day. I love you."

I said with a smile as I kissed Link as he headed out the door. Since it's been two weeks since Kinsley came home, Link has to go back to work. I don't want him to, but I know he wants to support our family.

"I love you too. I'll see you guys later."

Link said as he walked out the door. I walked into the living room to see Kinsley fast asleep in her bassinet. I sat on the couch and began watching TV as I sighed. I never realized how easily bored I could get without Link in the house. I don't want to take Kinsley out of the house because of her weak immune system so that's not an option.

I watched TV for a while before going out to the kitchen to do some cleaning. Sitting in the house all day seems to drain more energy out of me then walking around town. I ended up doing the dishes and wiping down the counters before walking back into the living room to check on Kinsley. When I walked into the living room, I looked into the bassinet and found Kinsley not breathing and her lips blue.

I immediately started doing CPR on her as I dialed 911. After calling the ambulance, I just sobbed as I tried to do CPR on Kinsley. Why? Why her? Why us? Why now? Why does her heart have to give up now of all times? She's two weeks old. She doesn't deserve this. She has her whole life ahead of her. She can't be taken away this soon.

The ambulance arrived and the paramedics took over CPR as I just sobbed into my hands. I didn't have the strength to even pick up my phone and call Link and tell him to meet us at the hospital. The impossible weight of my daughter dying after an hour under my watch was too overbearing. How horrible of a mom am I really to not even know my daughter wasn't breathing?

I sat in the back of the ambulance as my whole body began to shake. Even when we got to the hospital, I almost couldn't get out of the ambulance because my whole body was violently shaking. The doctors made me sit in the waiting room while they took Kinsley back so I finally mustered up the courage to call Link.

"Hey baby. How's everything going?"

I heard Link's voice on the other end as tears just fell down my face.

"I found Kinsley unresponsive and her lips were blue and I'm so scared and I'm such a terrible Mom and-"

"Pam, stop."

Link said as he interrupted my uncontrollable sobs.

"I'm leaving work now and I'll meet you at the hospital. And I promise that you're the best Mom in the world. I love you and Kinsley is going to be okay. I love you."

"I love you too."

I choked out as I hung up. How could I let this happen? No matter what happens or what Link said, I am the worst Mom. I'm the worst Mom in the history of mothers. And I might not even have my daughter at the end of this.

+

"Pam!"

Link said as he walked into the waiting room and hugged me.

"I'm so scared Link."

I cried into his shoulder.

"Have they given any updates yet?"

"No."

I sniffled as I rubbed my red, puffy eyes.

"Don't cry. She's going to be just fine. There's no way you could've known about this."

Link said as he cupped my face in his hands and I nodded. We sat down and I placed my head on his shoulder as my mind raced at lightning speeds. There could have been something I could've done to protect her from this. Did I put too many blankets on her? Was she showing symptoms of whatever this was before and I just never noticed? I don't know. I just need some answers.

"Family of Kinsley Christopher?"

A doctor called as Link and I stood up. He took my hand as we walked over to the doctor.

"That's us. How is she?"

Link asked, knowing I wouldn't be able to get the words out of my mouth. If I opened my mouth, I'm afraid nothing will come out. 

"She's...stable. For now. Her heart murmur has come back and it stopped the beating of her heart. She's going to have to have a few more surgeries so we're going to admit her for the next few nights."

The doctor said.

"Okay. When can we see her?"

Link asked as I kept my head down. If I look up, I just know I'll break down. and I can't breakdown. Not now at least.

"I can take you back now."

The doctor said as we followed her into the NICU where Kinsley laid in her incubator. I felt tears fall down my face as I put my finger into her hand through the holes in the incubator. 

"It's going to be okay. She's going to be okay."

Link said as he kissed the top of my head.

"I did this. I'm responsible for her having this condition, aren't I?"

"Of course not. There's nothing you could've done to prevent this or to make it happen. It just happened. But she's a fighter. She always has been."

Link said as he hugged me. No matter what he says, a part of me still feels guilty. A part of me feels like...maybe this is my fault. Maybe my daughter is dying because of me. But on the other hand, I don't know about half of her family history. I don't know anything about Fergal's genetics or his family's past conditions. There's too many what-ifs for this situation. 

One what-if always stands out. What if I told Fergal about Kinsley now? Is it too late to tell him about her now? How will he react if I did tell him? Worst case possible, he tries to take her or doesn't want her. Best case, he wants to act like an adult and co-parent. But I feel that the first one is more likely. But...I feel like maybe this is still the right time to tell him. Kinsley needs support. And she's going to need it for a long time. Maybe it's finally the right time to give in and tell him.