secret family // baylor (completed)

the worst kind of feeling

Numb. That's all I can feel. Worse from when I lost Kinsley. Worst from anything I've ever felt in my entire life. I can't feel pain when all I feel is numbness. But here I am, sitting in the hospital waiting room, listening to Link's family sob as I stared at the ceiling. It's my fault. It's my fault that their son, their brother is on life support. This is all my fault.

"How are you doing?"

Olivia asked as she sat down next to me. I shrugged my shoulders as I wrapped my arms around my waist. He can't leave us now. Not when our marriage is in the biggest fight of our life. Not when our child needs their father.

"Um, I have something I wanna show you."

Olivia said as she pulled a piece of paper out of her pocket. She handed it to me and I unfolded it and quickly recognized Link's handwriting. It's a suicide note. I felt chills go down my spine until I got to the part where my name was written.

Pam, 

I'm sorry. I wasn't a good husband. And I don't think I'll ever be a good father. But you are an amazing mother. And you already are so amazing with Kinsley. I'm sorry that I caused the court case and for you to lose Kinsley. It's all my fault. I thought that Fergal was the reason we were being torn apart but it wasn't. It was my fault. And I'm a piece of shit for ever sticking my nose into your and Fergal's parenting and I'm sorry. I'm sorry for all the bullshit I ever put you through. I love you. I'm sorry for being a bad husband. I hope you find someone who is good to you and to our child. Please tell them I love them and that I love them. I love you.

Tears streamed down my face as I handed the letter back to Olivia. He thinks this is his fault. And it's not. And I'm the piece of shit that made him feel like it was his fault. Maybe I'm the one who should be in his position. Maybe I should be the one on life-support. I just want to hold his hand and tell him that none of this was his fault and for him to hold me and tell me everything is going to be okay. I know I told him that I'm sick of hearing that but...that's all I wanna hear right now.

"Family of Lincoln Christopher?"

I heard a doctor asked. I kept sat down in my seat as I watched Link's family approach the doctor. I didn't deserve to hear about his condition. I'm the one who caused it. I wiped my tears away as I stood up off my seat. I must've stood up too fast because everything around me instantly got blurry and distorted.

"Pam, are you okay?"

Max asked as he watched me stumble for a minute. That's when I felt a sharp pain in my stomach. But I ignored it. I can't deal with my own health right now if I don't even know if my husband is still alive.

"Yeah. I'm going to the bathroom."

I sniffled as I walked the opposite direction. But instead of the bathroom, I headed to my car. I pulled out of the hospital parking lot and started driving. I don't know where I'm going. I'm just going. Because it feels like a knife is stabbing me in the stomach right now. And I have a really bad feeling that I'm losing the only other person left in my life right now.