secret family // baylor (completed)

I've loved and I've lost

"There's absolutely nothing to eat in this house."

I said to myself as I stood in front of the empty fridge. I haven't had the energy to grocery shop. I just want the pain in my heart to go away. But, does it ever go away for me? Cause recently, I don't think so. I shut the fridge door and sat down at the island in the kitchen. I haven't spoken to anyone in two weeks. I just don't have the energy or the strength.

As I sat there and scrolled through my phone, I felt a sharp pain in my stomach. Of course. Of course this is the time that I go into labor. I don't have anyone to help me. I'm on my own. But is that anything really new? I went to the nursery and quickly threw together a bag. By the time I did that and made sure everything was right for the girls, my water broke.  To be honest, I was hoping this was false. But that just made it 10 times more real.

It took me almost an hour to get to a hospital 10 minutes away. I had to keep pulling over thanks to these very painful contractions. These were the times I wish I did reach out to someone. But...something just makes me feel like I have to do this on my own. I just need to get through this on my own.

After getting checked into the hospital, the doctors examined me and said I was already at seven centimeters. That's actually a huge relief. I can't have another long labor like Kinsley and Adalyn. I just wish Alex was here to see his daughters. He should be here. He should be here to hold my hand and be here when they're brought into the world. He should be here to hold them and love them for the rest of his life. But he isn't. So maybe that's why I feel like I have to do this on my own? For Alex?

A few hours past and a nurse came in to do an ultrasound and check on the girls' heartbeats. As she did the ultrasound, I saw a concerned look come across her face.

"What's wrong?"

I asked her.

"I'm going to have the doctor come in and check this out."

She said. That sent my heart racing. The doctor came in and instantly had the same look on her face.

"What the hell is going on?"

I asked them.

"One of the babies isn't get enough oxygen. We're going to take you up for an emergency c-section."

The doctor said. She's dying. One of my babies is dying. And it's my fault. Who else's fault would it be. They're in my body. I'm killing my baby. The next hour was a blur. I remember them prepping me for surgery. I remember being on the table. I guess I didn't come back to reality until I heard a cry. They placed my first daughter on my chest and I started crying. She's beautiful. I decided against using the names Fergal and I used. It doesn't feel right. So I decided to name her Emilee.

The next thing I remember is them hold up my other daughter for me to see. She was lifeless. They all rushed around her but I couldn't do anything. All I could do is sit there. They wheeled me back into my room like nothing ever happened. I didn't get an answer for another three hours. Three anxiety, panic inducing hours. And it was something a parent never wants to hear.

She was a stillborn. They couldn't get her back. I lost another baby girl. I decided on naming her Zoey. They didn't even let me see her. My body just felt numb. She was my daughter. My baby girl. And she's dead because of me. Something happened in my body and It killed her. I've never felt this amount of shock and pain at once. I just want her back. I want all my girls back. But I don't think I'll ever get Adalyn and Kinsley back. And now Zoey is with her dad. And now...what's the point for Emilee and I? Where does our life go now? Maybe there's no point in even finding out.