secret family // baylor (completed)

it's who you love

I can still hear the people screaming. The tires screeching on the road. The sound of a car making impact with Alex's body. I hear it replaying in my head all day long. And when I close my eyes to try and get an ounce of sleep, all I can see is Alex dying in my arms. I don't have anyone to tell me that everything is going to be okay anymore. I don't have anyone holding me when I have nightmares anymore. I don't have anybody.

I didn't tell Link, Fergal, or Ashley what happened to Alex. I'm sure they heard it on the news or through the grapevine but I don't have the heart to pick up the phone and tell them. I just told Link and Fergal that I couldn't take the girls for a few weeks and they said okay. They must've known.

I took a shaky breath in as I looked around Alex and I's room. I miss him. His clothes are still here. His everything is still how he left it. It's not my duty to remove his things. His family wants to go through it and I respect that. All I asked for was a few of his t-shirts and one of his colognes. I just want to be able to smell him and remember him for years to come.

I wasn't invited to the funeral. I mean, I get it. I've never met his family before. I don't even know if they knew about me until they read Alex's will. He left me this house and a lot of money in his well. He was planning for our future. He knew we had a future. And now our future has been taken away from me.

The last part I have of him is the twins. But it breaks my heart to even think of them. I didn't get to tell him. I should've fucking told him when we were at that restaurant. Or maybe when he was dying in my arms. But in that moment...that was the last thing I was thinking about. But now he'll never know. And he'll never get to meet them. And they'll never meet their Dad.

I heard the front door open and shut as I pulled the blanket back over my body. I don't wanna face the world. I don't want company. But I don't really care who comes here anyway. No one can make me feel better about this situation. No one can tell me that it'll be alright. Because it won't.

"Hey Pam."

I heard Ashley say. I looked up to see Ashley, Mercades, and Rebecca standing in the doorway of my bedroom. Wow. Mercades and Rebecca? I figured they'd hate me forever. But maybe they just see a friend in need. I don't know. As soon as I looked at them, I just broke down into tears. Ashley wrapped me up in a hug as Rebecca and Mercades sat down on the bed next to me.

"I need him back! I can't do this Ashley."

I sobbed into her shoulder.

"I know it feels like that right now. But you're strong. You can pick up the pieces again."

She said as I picked my head up off her shoulder. I wiped my tears as I opened my bedside table drawer and pulled out my pregnancy test and ultrasound pictures. I threw it down next to the girls as they all audibly gasped.

"Pam...I'm so sorry."

Rebecca said as she hugged me.

"I'm sorry I was such a bitch to you guys. I just really need my girls right now."

I cried as we all embraced in a hug.

"We've got you Pam. I promise."

Mercades said. That's when I heard a knock on the front door.

"Ash..."

"I got it."

She said as she got up off my bed and walked away. A few minutes later, I could hear heavy footsteps walking down the hallway.

"You have some visitors."

Ashley said as she walked into the bedroom. That's when Fergal and Link walked into my room. Fergal was holding a bouquet of flowers while Link was holding a giant teddy bear.

"We heard Pam. We're so sorry."

Link said.

"Yeah. We just want everyone to put all this shit from the past few months behind us. And that's from Vero too. She wants to be your friend, if you want."

Fergal said. I stood up off the bed and looked at the boys before hugging them both.

"Thank you guys. You're my boys."

I said. 

"Always."

Link said as he kissed the top of my head. That's when Ashley, Mercades, and Rebecca joined us in a group hug.

"We've all got you Pam. No matter what."

Fergal said as I smiled for the first time in almost two weeks. I thought I didn't have a support system. I thought I would have to go through the grieving process by myself. But, you know what they say, grieve brings people together. I'm just glad to have all of my friends back with me. But I still don't know when I'm going to be okay. This is going to take a while to get over. I just hope everyone is in it for the long haul.