secret family // baylor (completed)

looking at you is like looking at him

"Good morning beautiful."

I heard Fergal say as he walked into the kitchen where I was cooking breakfast. He doesn't know. He doesn't know about my nightmares. He doesn't know about me not sleeping. He doesn't know anything. And maybe that's the best way to handle all this shit.

Fergal wrapped his arms around my waist and I immediately felt a lump in my throat. That's what Link did minutes before....well, you know. And even though Fergal is not Link, I can't feel comfortable being touched like that. I jumped back out of Fergal's grip as the spatula I was holding fell to the ground.

"I'm sorry. It's just...Link use to do that."

I said in shame as I wrapped my arms around myself.

"Hey, it's okay. I didn't mean to make you feel uncomfortable."

Fergal said as he put his hand on my cheek.

"Listen, why don't you go get yourself and the kids ready and I'll finish up breakfast."

Fergal said.

"Okay."

I said. I walked into our bedroom and quickly got myself dressed. Truth be told, the only thing that made me comfortable to wear right now is leggings and big t-shirts. So that's what I threw on for the day. I walked into Mason's room and got him dressed then did the same with Adalyn and Kinsley. By the time we got back downstairs, Fergal had all of our food I plates and ready for us. I helped Adalyn into her booster seat as Kinsley hopped up on a chair and I held Mason in my arms while I fed him and myself.

"Isn't it nice to just be one big happy family?"

Fergal asked as he looked around the table at the kids and I.

"Yeah. Would be better is Emilee and Zoey were here though."

I said as I shoved food in my mouth. I just still wish I could've held Zoey once. The hospital never let me see her.

"I know. After we're doing eating, we have somewhere to go."

Fergal said. I raised an eyebrow at him as he smirked at me. Who knows what this man has up his sleeve?

+

"Why are we at Becky's house?"

I asked Fergal as he pulled into her driveway.

"You'll see."

Fergal said as we got out of the car. We got the kids and took them up to the house where Becky met us at the door.

"Aunt Becky!"

Adalyn said with a smile as she hugged Becky's legs.

"Hey cutie."

She said as she picked Adalyn up. We walked into the living room to see Ashley and Mercades sitting on the couch. I looked at the couch to see a small baby carrier on the couch. Are they actually going to let me see my baby this time?

"Hey Pam."

Mercades said to me.

"Let me see her."

I said, not even taking my eyes off from the carrier. Mercades sighed as she turned around and started taking Emilee out of the carrier. I sat down on the couch as Mercades placed Emilee in my arms. I looked down at Emilee and all I saw was Alex. She's the spitting image of him. It's like looking right at him. And I don't know if I can handle it.

"She looks like Alex. I can't do it. I can't do this."

I said as tears fell down my face.

"What are you talking about?"

Fergal asked me.

"Please just take her Fergal. I can't do it."

I sobbed. Fergal took her out of my arms and I ran out of the room. I started hyperventilating as I just sobbed. I'm a horrible mother. I can't even look at my own daughter. I'm a horrible mother. And maybe Emilee deserves someone else as her mother.