secret family // baylor (completed)

midnight ain't no time for laughing

"Oh my gosh."

Ashley said as she walked into the living room to see my huge stomach. Jeez, thanks Ash. I understand everyone's shock. I mean, how do you think I felt standing in the middle of a truck stop in Ohio with a positive pregnancy test in my hand? Or at an OBGYN appointment in Pennsylvania where she said that it was twins. Yeah, shock is an understatement. But those are long stories I don't wanna get into.

"That's a great reaction to seeing someone you haven't seen in 7 months."

I said.

"Sorry. I've missed you."

She said as she engulfed me into a hug. I've missed seeing these girls but being back in Orlando is hard. It's hard knowing that the last time I was here, I watched Fergal take his last breath. I just miss him so much. It's hard to go on with my day-to-day life knowing that he isn't there with the kids and I. 

"I've missed you too. All of you. And I'm sure the kids have too."

I said as we all sat down on Mercades' couch. 

"I think Kinsley and Addie were more excited about seeing Eli. And Emilee and Mason are asleep so."

Ashley said as I laughed. 

"How did the kids take everything?"

Mercades asked. 

"Kinsley and Adalyn are just really confused. They don't understand why Fergal isn't coming back and I don't know how to describe it to them correctly. I guess we should have planned that one out more before he left."

I sighed.

"How are you doing?"

Ashley asked.

"I don't know anymore. At first...I was more numb then anything. It was worse than losing Alex. I couldn't eat or sleep or breathe. I just wanted to pick up the phone and call Fergal and have him tell me that everything is okay. But it's not. Because he's gone. So I traveled. I never really grieved. I guess I don't get to grieve because I now have four kids to look after. There was a lapse in time that I just wanted to end everything and be with Fergal but then all those kids are orphans. None of them have fathers anymore. So it's on me to pick up all the pieces and suck up my feelings."

"That's not true. You're allowed to have feelings of grieve, Pam. You're allowed to feel. You're allowed to breakdown."

Becky said. I guess she doesn't get what it's like to have four kids and no one to help. It is so fucking lonely. 

"I just...I can't. I just want to focus on being a good mom. That's really all I can do. I don't want anything one in my life. I'm swearing off guys for now."

"Maybe thats what's best. We'll always be here for you though."

Mercades said.

"Thanks guys. I love you guys."

I said as the girls hugged me. I just don't know where life goes from now. I can't go back to the house that Fergal and I lived in. It hurts too bad. And I don't know what I'm going to do with six kids. I guess time will tell what happens next.